Man Wearing Fake Mustache to Mail Ballot Doesn’t Understand Voter Fraud

Omaha, NE — Mike Vamosi, 37, spoke to reporters while walking to the mail dropbox down the street from his apartment complex with a large fake mustache glued to his upper lip.

“I’m so sick of these libs thinking that mail-in-voting is safe and secure. I’m about to prove them wrong,” Vamosi whispered while peeking over his shoulder. “It’s just not possible! I could be anyone and nobody’s gonna check my I.D. or nothing! Watch this.”

Vamosi then began to whistle loudly in a failed attempt to appear nonchalant as he approached the mail dropbox.

“Yep, here I am! Herschel Davidson! Just doing my civic duty and casting my vote!” Vamosi shouted to no one. “Herschel Davidson is my dead step-dad,” Vamosi silently said as he giggled, which suddenly evolved into full-blown sobbing.

“Look!” said Vamosi, holding his ballot envelope in front of him while wiping away a tear. “It says my name ‘Mike Vamosi,’ but as you can see, I don’t look like me anymore! I even signed this envelope and everything!” he said before dropping his ballot in the dropbox and winking to no one. 

Vamosi then cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted “Welp! Time for me to go home, kick back with a hard seltzer, and watch some good ol’ CNN!” directly into the mail slot as if drunkenly ordering Taco Bell on foot in the drive-thru. He then performed an about-face and raised his hand as if to hi-five, before realizing he was alone.

Sources confirm that the mustache was made using real mustache hairs he harvested from his late step-dad’s corpse after a long, drawn out battle with mesothelioma.

Christ Returns in Full Riot Gear

WASHINGTON — It appears the Lord and Savior of white American Christian men all over the world made his triumphant return Monday evening at Pennsylvania Ave., and boy did he come correct. Mr. H. Christ himself even took a moment to address the crowd of protestors gathered on the Mall, fielding questions about his timing and choice of attire, as well as shamelessly promoting his book.

“Well, if you read Matthew, I think it was in chapter 7 where I’m like ‘Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that they should do to you, do ye even so to them’ or some shit like that. Not gonna lie, I was pretty baked at the time,” Christ spoke thusly. “Anyhow, it looks to me like the people guarding this fortress behind me intend to do so with force. So, based on what I think I said back in the gap, let’s just say I’m ready to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s,” he concluded to thunderous applause. He then attempted a stage dive, only to land on his feet like a cat, lightly dancing on the heads of protestors on the way to the Reflecting Pool where he demonstrated one of his greatest hits.

Self-proclaimed ANTIFA Comrade-in-Chief addresses protestors on the Mall in D.C.

Anti-fascist protestors on the scene seemed taken aback, but also quite validated, by the overall appearance of the GOP mascot.

“As soon as we heard the trumpets, we freaked the fuck out. We thought it was another wave of ska,” one protestor told reporters. “Then all of the sudden, here comes J-Chrizzy, cruising down Pennsylvania Avenue in a beat-up Kia and combat armor.”

The President plans to hold his own press conference as soon as the bunker WiFi is back up and running. Meanwhile, QAnon message boards are already abuzz with related conspiracy theories, one of which birthed the hashtag “#WalkOnWaterGate.”

“My aunt was undercover in the crowd posing as a member of Grantifa,” said a comment by username ChemJongTrail45. “She’s pretty sure this imposter already had a pair of transparent platform shoes waiting at the pool’s edge to help create the illusion of a miracle.”

Famed U2 rocker Bono, introducing himself as the official Press Secretary of Heavenly Affairs, also took the stage to warn the crowd that the Rapture is still on the way, telling protesters and counter-protesters alike to prepare for a “Second, second coming.”

Joe Biden’s Leaked Birth Certificate Says He Was Born In a Retirement Home

Ever since Barack Obama got elected in 2003, citizenship conspiracy theories have been all the rage. This trend has waned a tad in recent years yet is resurging due to bored constituents trapped at home during the coronavirus.

A coalition of high school Facebook hackers have recently uncovered Joe Biden’s original birth certificate (not the shitty copies they give your parents at the hospital).

Screenshot of the recently leaked document.

If you’re anything like me, you’re mind is definitely fucking blown right now and you are also surprised by his middle name. Not only it is unamerican due to its feminine phonetic structure, it feels like a shitty marketing attempt on behalf of Baskin Robbins due to the overlapping and shared number of consonants.

God Bless America.