Atlanta’s Gay Coke Bars That Also Serve Pizza

1. Jack’s Pizza

Smoke illegally!

Jack’s pizza is a local favorite for smoking inside despite the ban, doing cocaine until 4am, and using Grindr to meet up with people at neighboring establishments. Not many people realize they also serve pizza! Try the “Jason” which has mac and cheese and hot dog toppings. Or don’t, you’re really high. Chain smoke in the back for now and maybe order something next time.

2. Cameli’s Pizza

The famous Cameli’s “Monster Slice”

Home of Atlanta’s monster slice, this gay coke bar has many food offerings. “The Prince” is a delicious slice with a creamy garlic sauce base, chicken, onions and mozzarella. The largest food item on this list, it’s probably a bit much right now for your waning appetite, but it’ll be a great Instagram picture. Let everyone know just how gay and hungry you are with the tag #monsterslice.

The pizza is really just okay.

3. Argosy

For a more high end cocaine fueled gay pizza experience, try Argosy in East Atlanta Village. Brick oven style pizza and flatbread pair well with the large beer and cocktail selection, which you will certainly be grateful for after your fourth trip to the bathroom. Leave the flatbread you ordered on the table, it was mostly a place holder. The hostess will be annoyed but there’s nothing she can say if you keep telling her you’re “still working on it.”

Buy a slice for Digger, a local favorite personality. He also loves root beer.

4. Savage Pizza

Located in the heart of historic Little Five Points, right besides gay coke clothing and record store Junkman’s Daughter, sits Savage Pizza. The meat lover’s specialty pie is highly recommended by the local LGBTQ, homeless, and college football communities. Why not do a key bump with a closeted Auburn fan? The world is your gay oyster.

If you’re lucky the corporate team will be on their lunch break reading manga.

5. Arby’s on Howell Mill Rd

While a less traditional part of this list, it’s truly a secret treasure. Close to Arby’s corporate and local breweries, the place is swarming with bears. The pizza slider is a small and affordable bite, and gives you a great excuse to sit in the bathroom for half an hour, manically railing lines off of your phone before you head back to Urban Tree Cidery to meet up with the otter you met an hour ago at Monday Night Brewing Company.

Best Kansas City BBQ Spots to Text Your Ex-Fiancé

Slaps BBQ sells cheesy corn in many sizes.

1. Slaps BBQ

This restaurant was featured on “Burgers, Brews, & ‘Que” and that’s why you thought he would love it. You wish he could be here, you know what he would order – the brisket, as featured on the Food Network. You can’t bring yourself to try it without him, and can hardly stand to be in this line alone. The fluorescent lighting is harsh and everyone can see the tears welling up. Order your gallon of cheesy corn for $33.95 and Uber back to the Sheraton honeymoon suite by yourself.

Buy a gift set of sauces just in case he calls.

2. Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que

Known for its ribs and being a gas station, Joe’s is one of the quintessential barbeque places in Kansas City. Foodies and tourists consistently name it as a favorite. It was the perfect place to bring him. You’re here to experience the food on your own now, you don’t need company to enjoy things. The plate of burnt ends, while reasonably priced, is a bit much for you. Usually he would finish what you couldn’t, and you dump your half eaten food away in shame.

“Pickles are a required accessory,” – Old Artie Bryant

3. Arthur Bryant’s

You heard the sausage was one of the best things on the menu, and you’re looking forward to it. That cheesy corn didn’t sit right last night and you really need something solid on your stomach. As soon you receive your food, you lose your appetite. There he is all over again, between two buns that aren’t yours. Pull out your phone, send a “wave” emoji, turn it off. Leave the sausage on the table. Walk away like he did at the altar.

The secret menu’s “Meat Mountain” is honestly what you need right now.

4. Arby’s

Be honest, you don’t even like BBQ that much, but you had all the hotel reservations and nothing else to do but explain to your family why you got a refund on the catering and venue. Order 5 roast beef sandwiches for $10 and douse them in Arby’s sauce. The staff understands better than your bridesmaids. Kansas City was the last place you thought you would spend this special weekend but you were doing it for him. Now only Arby is here, and maybe that’s for the best, unless… Just text him and ask how he’s holding up?

Why didn’t you just stay home? This didn’t make you feel better.

5. Gates Bar-B-Q

The line is long, the meat is tough, and the sauce is ketchup, but it was the last stop on his list of Kansas City BBQ restaurants he always dreamed of visiting. Why couldn’t it be LA taco trucks? Why couldn’t everything be different? Send him a picture of the burnt ends sandwich, so loaded with sauce it’s almost a high school cafeteria sloppy joe, say “Wish you were here!” and then turn your phone off. There should be at least a pint of cheesy corn left in the mini fridge at the hotel. You’re weeping softly again, but no one sees, no one asks.

Five Best Places to Cry on a Budget in NYC for Your Birthday

Illustration of the Brooklyn Bridge.
The “cool bridge: in NYC.

1. The Historic Brooklyn Bridge

Free to visit and with an incredible view, the Brooklyn Bridge is a place for tourists and natives alike to gather and appreciate soul crushing beauty and loneliness experienced every day by the people in this city. Think about the vastness of the universe, and how insignificant you are not just in New York, but the cosmos. It’s your birthday! What if you were never existed? Would anything be different? Probably not.

Steps to the New York Public Library.
The “steps” of the world famous New York Public Library.

2. The Steps of the New York Public Library

One of the most respected collections of literature in the world exists here. Renowned for its architecture and history, people flock here to pay respects to some of the greatest thinkers of our time. Take a seat and consider the fact that even though you brag about it at parties, you never finished
Infinite Jest. And you are so useless you even left that Keats book on the plane when you flew into JFK. How about the fact that you can only name one Bukowksi poem but your excuse is that he’s cancelled anyway.

An arch.

3. Washington Square Park

Stand under the arch and feel its presence, think of all the things this arch has seen, and what it represents for people. This chunk of stone is more important than you will ever be. Snap a selfie before the tears come. They know you’re a tourist. Go buy a hat to make up for your guilt. You have a passing idea to make the jazz musicians play “Happy Birthday” and see the whole park erupt into song, for you! Wait you don’t have any cash. No one cares. You’re so fucking conceited.

The "L Train."
“The L” – hands down the fastest train in NYC.

4. The L

Hop on the historic subway line, wait which one is it? Try and look at Google Maps – shit, no reception. Maybe you should ask? No, they will know you aren’t from here. Are you heading into Flatbush? Where even is that? Why is that cop staring at you? You’re overwhelmed. Head back up the stairs and call your $45 Uber. This is your fault for thinking you were even capable of getting to your “party” which no one is coming to without some kind of assistance. Just go back to your aunt’s house in Long Island.

99 cent store.
99 cents? What a cool store!

5. Outside of the 99c Fresh

Everyone talks about the fabled New York Slice. The World’s Best Pizza. You told all your friends back home in Illinois about your favorite spot on the “LES” but you kept walking past it because you were on the wrong side of the street. You just wanted an after party slice. Finally you find it, and get in line. God, it smells amazing! Wait – is this where the line starts? How much is it? The guy was mumbling. Just hand him a $5. Where’s your change? Don’t ask for it. Attempt to put some toppings on your cheese slice. What’s this brown powder? Why don’t they have parmesan? Why is the cashier yelling at you? You forgot your change. Just run.

by Kat Jimenez