Omaha, NE — Mike Vamosi, 37, spoke to reporters while walking to the mail dropbox down the street from his apartment complex with a large fake mustache glued to his upper lip.
“I’m so sick of these libs thinking that mail-in-voting is safe and secure. I’m about to prove them wrong,” Vamosi whispered while peeking over his shoulder. “It’s just not possible! I could be anyone and nobody’s gonna check my I.D. or nothing! Watch this.”
Vamosi then began to whistle loudly in a failed attempt to appear nonchalant as he approached the mail dropbox.
“Yep, here I am! Herschel Davidson! Just doing my civic duty and casting my vote!” Vamosi shouted to no one. “Herschel Davidson is my dead step-dad,” Vamosi silently said as he giggled, which suddenly evolved into full-blown sobbing.
“Look!” said Vamosi, holding his ballot envelope in front of him while wiping away a tear. “It says my name ‘Mike Vamosi,’ but as you can see, I don’t look like me anymore! I even signed this envelope and everything!” he said before dropping his ballot in the dropbox and winking to no one.
Vamosi then cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted “Welp! Time for me to go home, kick back with a hard seltzer, and watch some good ol’ CNN!” directly into the mail slot as if drunkenly ordering Taco Bell on foot in the drive-thru. He then performed an about-face and raised his hand as if to hi-five, before realizing he was alone.
Sources confirm that the mustache was made using real mustache hairs he harvested from his late step-dad’s corpse after a long, drawn out battle with mesothelioma.
An anonymous source close to the Biden campaign was rummaging through her husband’s desk for evidence of infidelity when she stumbled upon a manilla envelope labeled “Campagne Strategy.”
Never mind that Biden seems to believe “campaign” is spelled like “Champagne”, what she found inside the envelope was what could only be described as a politician’s reworking of the It’s Always Sunny episode in which the titular character lays out his detailed and premeditated predatory strategy for picking up women. Except Biden plans to use it on America.
Our source seemed suspiciously eager to hand over the folder and all of its disturbing contents, and it became a top priority to disseminate these documents to the public by way of this article.
The list that follows was compiled by Vice President Joseph Biden and does not reflect the views of this publication.
D – Demonstrate Value
Listen here, Jack. The first thing you gotta do is make them want you. And since I can’t do that, I gotta make them think they need me. All I have to do is the absolute bare minimum and it should be clear that I am the more qualified candidate in the race. Piece of cake. Next letter.
E – Engage Physically
Now pay attention, sister. I am fully aware that around 55% of America’s voters are women, which is perfect, because I connect with women. Women see me as a protector and long to be embraced by me. I’ve also found that A Friendly Sniff ™ of the neck initiates an intense wave of passionate peacefulness and trust, as it lets them know if anything bad happens to them, Uncle Joe is mobilized and tracking their scent.
N – Nurture Dependence
Here’s the deal, bucko. America doesn’t know what it needs. Doesn’t know what’s good for it. People wanna defund police, for Pete’s sake. I’m gonna have to constantly reinforce the idea that the people are lost sheep, and I am the shepherd come to lure them back to my home.
N – Neglect Emotionally
Now buckle up, Buster, because we ain’t there yet. My people on the inside tell me there’s a nasty pandemic on the way. This is where I’ll employ a little tough love. The world will be in a panic and looking for leadership, and America’s gonna want Papa Joe Joe to give ‘em the business. But too bad, because I’ll be completely unreachable. This way, they’ll understand they can’t get back on the highway to prosperity without a real man at the wheel.
I – Inspire Hope
Gotta hand it to my brotha Barack. That whole “hope” gimmick was nothing if not effective. After America is adequately destitute, I will resurface, and revealing my face with its soothing fatherly features should be all it takes to win them back. No reason to think I’ll have to actually do anything to help. That’s not my job. Not yet.
S – Separate Entirely
Now that voters know I’m not dead, it’s time to lay low until the election. Can’t say anything stupid if I don’t say anything at all. Best to play it safe and let Don keep shooting himself in the foot. It’s possible the media will spin it as a failure to lead in a time of crisis, but don’t get snarky, Sparky. They’re gonna thank me later.
As of the time of this publication, the Biden campaign has not returned our request for comment.
Everything has a price: from the ground under your feet to the words that come out of your mouth. Nowhere is this more true than on the black market. Occasionally a market will form, beneath the constant exchange of drugs and weapons, to cater to a more niche demand. Sometimes it is illegal pornography or murderers-for-hire, but today’s bumper crop may seem a bit innocuous by comparison: votes in the 2020 presidential election.
How much is your vote worth? Well, it depends. Are you in a swing state? Are you in an overrepresented electoral district? How close is the election at the moment? How many other people in your district are also offering their votes? All of these factors contribute to the final sticker price. Exceptionally “high quality” votes can net in excess of $500, but the average for swing state votes seems to have currently settled somewhere between $25 and $75, but experts say it is likely to increase as the election looms closer. This may seem high, but remember: selling a vote is a federal felony. Meth isn’t expensive because it is costly or difficult to make. It is expensive because if you get caught making it you will rot in jail for years. The same principle applies to votes.
“high quality” votes can net in excess of $500
What kind of person sells their vote? There is some history of Americans in extreme poverty selling their votes on the street for little more than a handle of vodka. However, these days most votes are sold online by young college students, and they are taking it very seriously. A typical vote sale might go something like this:
A student, let’s call him “Allen”, decides that he would like to sell his vote.
Allen uses the tor network to connect to a darknet marketplace specializing in electoral classifieds. Many such sites exist, with names like “VotesExchange” and “Cash4Prez”.
Allen makes a sale listing. He fills in his precinct, and the site auto-populates the page with demographic statistics and polling data that will be useful for potential buyers.
He sets his asking price based on the market rate that the website helpfully suggests. He is free to ask for more, but that is of course a gamble. As the election draws closer the value of his vote could fluctuate wildly. Allen decides to play it safe and price just below market rate for a quick sale.
A buyer sends an offer through the integrated bidding portal, and Allen accepts. The buyer pays and the money is held in escrow. Allen will have a predefined number of business days to submit a mail-in ballot for his buyer’s chosen candidate and furnish proof. Once he does so, an administrator will release the transaction and Allen will receive payment in cryptocurrency.
If vote fraud businesses of the past were like a grimy motel, today’s voter fraudsters are AirBnB. They are slick, professional, and possess a tech-savvyness borne from a childhood spent online. This is a far cry from the old days of busing homeless Americans to the polls in exchange for a meal.
We managed to contact one man who posted a vote for sale in Illinois. For obvious reasons he chose to remain pseudonymous. His name on the VoteListings virtual classifieds site is “JuryDuty”. In response to our private message asking for some background into his decision to sell his vote, he had this to say:
i just realized it doesnt fucking matter. what difference does it make who i vote for? theyre all dipshits. if i can get $40 its gone its getting cold here and my gas bill is expensive as fuck. i care about being warm more than i care about which billionaire gets to be chief bigshit of the jackoff party. i figured out how to register at my old adress so i can probably mail in there too. just give me money i dont give a fuck lmfaa
Jury declined to provide any more information on his background, but looking at other users’ account aliases paints a startling picture: “FannieMaesCunt”, “UCONNisaCON”, “PayMyDebtPls”. Biography sections on user’s accounts frequently make reference to student loan debt and high cost of living. In many ways we seem to be witnessing a response to the desperate circumstances in which many young Americans find themselves.
Perhaps this attitude of hopelessness was best summarized by JuryDuty’s response to my asking what it would take for him to see value in his vote.
maybe if i could vote for mitch mconnel to blow his head off with a shotgun then sure i guess that would be worth voting for