Omaha, NE — Mike Vamosi, 37, spoke to reporters while walking to the mail dropbox down the street from his apartment complex with a large fake mustache glued to his upper lip.
“I’m so sick of these libs thinking that mail-in-voting is safe and secure. I’m about to prove them wrong,” Vamosi whispered while peeking over his shoulder. “It’s just not possible! I could be anyone and nobody’s gonna check my I.D. or nothing! Watch this.”
Vamosi then began to whistle loudly in a failed attempt to appear nonchalant as he approached the mail dropbox.
“Yep, here I am! Herschel Davidson! Just doing my civic duty and casting my vote!” Vamosi shouted to no one. “Herschel Davidson is my dead step-dad,” Vamosi silently said as he giggled, which suddenly evolved into full-blown sobbing.
“Look!” said Vamosi, holding his ballot envelope in front of him while wiping away a tear. “It says my name ‘Mike Vamosi,’ but as you can see, I don’t look like me anymore! I even signed this envelope and everything!” he said before dropping his ballot in the dropbox and winking to no one.
Vamosi then cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted “Welp! Time for me to go home, kick back with a hard seltzer, and watch some good ol’ CNN!” directly into the mail slot as if drunkenly ordering Taco Bell on foot in the drive-thru. He then performed an about-face and raised his hand as if to hi-five, before realizing he was alone.
Sources confirm that the mustache was made using real mustache hairs he harvested from his late step-dad’s corpse after a long, drawn out battle with mesothelioma.
MILKWAUKEE – Charles Entertainment Cheese, the ringleader of one of America’s beloved franchised wastelands, has incited violence in a local ballpit by displaying fascist behavior. The leader of the organization has long been an advocate for cutting corners with the business budget by not sanitizing the plastic balls and automating what could otherwise be quality entertainment.
“Nobody wants to see a mechanical fucking rat playing bullshit music to children man, not even the kids want to see that shit and honestly all it does is scare me and my friends.”
A random 5 year old.
I digress – The reign of Charles I has slowly descended from a once functioning democracy into the rabid throes of tyrannical law. The law was passed not even 24 hours before unrest broke out: all the balls are to be replaced with red balls. Liberals and Democrats will die before letting their beloved ball pit be homogenized, thus stripped of cultural equity and historical accuracy. All tickets earned are to be fed back into the machine and redistributed. The Ticket is no longer “yours” – the ticket is “ours.” Individuals have been stripped of their sovereign right to decide what prize they want. Is it Communism? Yes. Is it also a Dictatorship? Yes. I.e. the farthest thing from Plato’s Republic and a true wasteland governed by a collective incubus reincarnated as the “president of Chuck E. Cheese.”
Charles Entertainment Cheesehas disguised it all as a “playground for patriots,” empowering right wing ski ballers to colonize a once sacred place to play. The new Chuck E. Cheese – a colonialist nightmare devoid of cultural integrity.
Political theorists have speculated another two centuries before the inevitable decay of government type reaches its rock bottom and a new era of Charles is ushered in – an era of autocracy and a thriving economy with a robust middle, working class.
An era where the games aren’t complete shit and the consumers have an actual reason to live.
Democracy is no longer a threat; an era where the value of the 20th centuries ever so precious Ticket is restored. An era where one can realistically hit the slots and go home that same day with an oversized blue elephant stuffed animal or cool remote control car.
WASHINGTON — It appears the Lord and Savior of white American Christian men all over the world made his triumphant return Monday evening at Pennsylvania Ave., and boy did he come correct. Mr. H. Christ himself even took a moment to address the crowd of protestors gathered on the Mall, fielding questions about his timing and choice of attire, as well as shamelessly promoting his book.
“Well, if you read Matthew, I think it was in chapter 7 where I’m like ‘Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that they should do to you, do ye even so to them’ or some shit like that. Not gonna lie, I was pretty baked at the time,” Christ spoke thusly. “Anyhow, it looks to me like the people guarding this fortress behind me intend to do so with force. So, based on what I think I said back in the gap, let’s just say I’m ready to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s,” he concluded to thunderous applause. He then attempted a stage dive, only to land on his feet like a cat, lightly dancing on the heads of protestors on the way to the Reflecting Pool where he demonstrated one of his greatest hits.
Anti-fascist protestors on the scene seemed taken aback, but also quite validated, by the overall appearance of the GOP mascot.
“As soon as we heard the trumpets, we freaked the fuck out. We thought it was another wave of ska,” one protestor told reporters. “Then all of the sudden, here comes J-Chrizzy, cruising down Pennsylvania Avenue in a beat-up Kia and combat armor.”
The President plans to hold his own press conference as soon as the bunker WiFi is back up and running. Meanwhile, QAnon message boards are already abuzz with related conspiracy theories, one of which birthed the hashtag “#WalkOnWaterGate.”
“My aunt was undercover in the crowd posing as a member of Grantifa,” said a comment by username ChemJongTrail45. “She’s pretty sure this imposter already had a pair of transparent platform shoes waiting at the pool’s edge to help create the illusion of a miracle.”
Famed U2 rocker Bono, introducing himself as the official Press Secretary of Heavenly Affairs, also took the stage to warn the crowd that the Rapture is still on the way, telling protesters and counter-protesters alike to prepare for a “Second, second coming.”
Ever since Barack Obama got elected in 2003, citizenship conspiracy theories have been all the rage. This trend has waned a tad in recent years yet is resurging due to bored constituents trapped at home during the coronavirus.
A coalition of high school Facebook hackers have recently uncovered Joe Biden’s original birth certificate (not the shitty copies they give your parents at the hospital).
If you’re anything like me, you’re mind is definitely fucking blown right now and you are also surprised by his middle name. Not only it is unamerican due to its feminine phonetic structure, it feels like a shitty marketing attempt on behalf of Baskin Robbins due to the overlapping and shared number of consonants.
An anonymous source close to the Biden campaign was rummaging through her husband’s desk for evidence of infidelity when she stumbled upon a manilla envelope labeled “Campagne Strategy.”
Never mind that Biden seems to believe “campaign” is spelled like “Champagne”, what she found inside the envelope was what could only be described as a politician’s reworking of the It’s Always Sunny episode in which the titular character lays out his detailed and premeditated predatory strategy for picking up women. Except Biden plans to use it on America.
Our source seemed suspiciously eager to hand over the folder and all of its disturbing contents, and it became a top priority to disseminate these documents to the public by way of this article.
The list that follows was compiled by Vice President Joseph Biden and does not reflect the views of this publication.
D – Demonstrate Value
Listen here, Jack. The first thing you gotta do is make them want you. And since I can’t do that, I gotta make them think they need me. All I have to do is the absolute bare minimum and it should be clear that I am the more qualified candidate in the race. Piece of cake. Next letter.
E – Engage Physically
Now pay attention, sister. I am fully aware that around 55% of America’s voters are women, which is perfect, because I connect with women. Women see me as a protector and long to be embraced by me. I’ve also found that A Friendly Sniff ™ of the neck initiates an intense wave of passionate peacefulness and trust, as it lets them know if anything bad happens to them, Uncle Joe is mobilized and tracking their scent.
N – Nurture Dependence
Here’s the deal, bucko. America doesn’t know what it needs. Doesn’t know what’s good for it. People wanna defund police, for Pete’s sake. I’m gonna have to constantly reinforce the idea that the people are lost sheep, and I am the shepherd come to lure them back to my home.
N – Neglect Emotionally
Now buckle up, Buster, because we ain’t there yet. My people on the inside tell me there’s a nasty pandemic on the way. This is where I’ll employ a little tough love. The world will be in a panic and looking for leadership, and America’s gonna want Papa Joe Joe to give ‘em the business. But too bad, because I’ll be completely unreachable. This way, they’ll understand they can’t get back on the highway to prosperity without a real man at the wheel.
I – Inspire Hope
Gotta hand it to my brotha Barack. That whole “hope” gimmick was nothing if not effective. After America is adequately destitute, I will resurface, and revealing my face with its soothing fatherly features should be all it takes to win them back. No reason to think I’ll have to actually do anything to help. That’s not my job. Not yet.
S – Separate Entirely
Now that voters know I’m not dead, it’s time to lay low until the election. Can’t say anything stupid if I don’t say anything at all. Best to play it safe and let Don keep shooting himself in the foot. It’s possible the media will spin it as a failure to lead in a time of crisis, but don’t get snarky, Sparky. They’re gonna thank me later.
As of the time of this publication, the Biden campaign has not returned our request for comment.
In the year 2020, many often wonder what fascism actually is. “Google it,” some might say, attempting to inspire you to learn about political issues online. The world is a microcosm, however, and we can glean insights into larger issues by examining highly specific things. Was the nature of the punishment for “The Man Who Sent The Micropenis” indicative of a failing political and justice system?
Here is a virtual rendition / sketch of the man who committed this crime.
In the context of Barnaby’s crime, Reddit has taken to arms pondering the philosophical question of justice. Was his punishment just, they ask? Why has Barnaby been serving as the catalyst for this deeper inquiry into the nature of truth? What does he represent, what is Barnaby Edmonds symbolic of?
These are just some of the questions anxious Redditor’s have been asking each other. One Redditor went on to post an excerpt from a Virginia Woolf novel about the nature of universal microcosms and extrapolating ideas based off of granular events.
Brooding, she changed the pool into the sea, and made the minnows into sharks and whales, and cast vast clouds over this tiny world by holding her hand against the sun, and so brought darkness and desolation, like God himself, to millions of ignorant and innocent creatures, and then took her hand away suddenly and let the sun stream down. Out on the pale criss-crossed sand, high-stepping, fringed, gauntleted, stalked some fantastic leviathan (she was still enlarging the pool), and slipped into the vast fissures of the mountain side.
Excerpt from Virginia Woolf’s To The Lighthouse
Many questions remain
Why did Barnaby Edmonds commit the crime? And was his punishment just?
As for the reasoning behind Barnaby Edmond’s unique punishment; the helicopter pilot allegedly said, “you made me crash my air faring vehicle, so you can never fly again.”
Share your thoughts on the matter in the comments section below.