Single Cop with No Children Settles for Beating Meat

NEW YORK — Sergeant John DeGregorio, 39, of NYPD’s 68th precinct in Brooklyn returned home to an empty apartment Friday evening after a family court judge ruled in favor of his ex-wife, Gloria DeGregorio, awarding her sole custody of their two teenage sons.

“I’ve been a cop for 15 years, ever since we had our first boy. It’s always been pretty stressful, but Gloria was always there waiting for me when I got home,” noted DeGregorio. “When she finally escaped, I had to sit my boys down and let them know they were gonna have to step up. Now that they’re gone too, it’s like I don’t even know what to do with my hands.”

DeGregorio’s partner, Sergeant Lori O’Hare, 43, said the aftermath of the divorce included at least one instance of DeGregorio bringing his home to work with him.

“The motherfucker actually took a swing at me,” O’Hare recounted. “Partners for 13 years and he’s never so much as let out a fart upwind, but as soon as that broad is outta the picture, he tries to take it out on me. As if I don’t have enough problems with CPS up my ass, I gotta show up to a hostile work environment too? Fuck that shit. With two perfectly resilient young boys at home, there was just no excuse for that kinda behavior.”

Following Monday’s unfavorable custody ruling, DeGregorio’s general practitioner Dr. Damien Ju expressed concern over the NYPD hero’s chosen method of alternative stress relief.

“I’ve seen it at least a hundred times before. Cop loses his wife and kids, stress builds up, and not a week later the penis starts to look like something out of a Chernobyl snuff film,” said Dr. Ju. “Of course, I always recommend investing in a silicone-based lubricant, and they always respond that they’re not a fucking [homophobic slur].”

In response to an inquiry about Sgt. DeGregorio’s fitness for duty, a spokesperson for the NYPD told members of the press that no formal complaints have ever been filed against DeGregorio for misconduct, assuring us that the 68th precinct’s paper shredder is properly maintained and fully functional.

By John Merrifield

Twitter: @jbmerrifield

5 Ways To Make The Apartment Search Fun (While Saving Money)

Live here. Easy.

Searching for a new apartment can leave you exhausted, depressed, and broke. It seems that moving is getting harder and harder these days… until now! Thanks to this handy list you’ll be able to hunt for the perfect apartment in your city all while having fun (and saving some cash)!

Bring a friend

Taking a friend along with you is a good idea when checking out empty apartments. There will be no entertainment or furniture so having a pal by your side will help keep the edge off.

The series “Friends” is about friends living in an apartment.

Ask the realtor questions

Getting to know your realtor/potential landlord might seem boring. “What do they know about the world?” you’ll ask yourself. Well actually the realtor might have some good stories. Ask them about their family, lost loves, or the scariest thing that has happened to them. Who knows, maybe they’ll cut you a deal!

Attentively listening to their story might win you some savings, no matter how boring it is.

Measure everything

Measuring all of the doorways and rooms is a good way to kill time when you’re on the apartment hunt. Keep a list of all the dimensions and compare them when you get home. Maybe a doorframe will be crooked! Cool!

Doorframe not up to code? Let the landlord know you’ll report him to the city unless he comps your security deposit.

Talk to the neighbors

Usually apartments will have neighbors occupying adjacent floors. Talking to them while you’re taking an apartment tour is a great way to network and flex your side hustle. If you become friends with them you can always crash at their place during the weekends; usually apartments are formatted similarly every floor. Rent-free baby!

Talking to this guy is probably more interesting than talking to the landlord anyway.

Haggle

Haggling with the landlord is not only a way to potentially save money but also a good way to kill time. It doesn’t even have to be about the rent! Like their watch? Offer them a pair of shoes you don’t like. Want to save money from the security deposit? Try to set them up with your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. Who knows what sweet deals you can nab by haggling a bit!

Never be the first to name a price. Let them set the minimum and grind them down from there.

Hopefully these tips help alleviate some of the stress of finding a new apartment. There’s nothing more rewarding than signing that lease and knowing that you didn’t only get a good deal but that you had fun doing it!

Phone Battery Life Low? If You Have A Car, You’re In Luck…

Cars are notorious for draining the battery of devices inside them. Until now…

Picture this: you and your friends are driving down the freeway. You have your phone plugged in, music playlist on blast, maybe watching a YouTube video or two. Amidst the enjoyment you see that dreaded red battery icon. Don’t panic! There’s a lifehack to fix that up in no time!

Don’t panic! Breathe. It is okay.

Following these steps may help fix the dreaded dead-phone-in-the-car predicament that we all fear. Disclaimer: your car make/model may effect the results listed below. Your mileage may vary (pun DEFINITELY intended).

1. Pull over.
2. Plug your phone into the cigarette lighter socket.
3. Put your car into park.
4. Roll down all the windows.
5. Switch the transmission into the worthless “N” position.
6. Rev your engine.
7. Like magic, your phone’s battery will shoot up to 100% in no time!

Until now, the “N” position seemed pretty pointless, huh? You’d step on the gas and nothing happens. Well we finally cracked the code. In fact, some drivers reported that the harder they pressed on the gas the brighter ALL the phone screens in the car got.

Wow!

The “N” might mean “Charge Now”.

There’s really nothing worse than cruising around without your favorite apps only to find out that the car is sucking battery life from all devices inside of it. Hopefully this lifehack helps you avoid the sinister fate many phones suffer when pulled out during those long drives.