The Shirtless Chad Saga

Everyone has enemies. Rivals. A nemesis even. For me, there is no one more suitable to reign supreme in this category than Shirtless Chad. 

In order to comprehend the odious enigma that is Shirtless Chad, one must first understand the origins of his name. The “Shirtless” part is derived from the fact that all of his Facebook picture uploads from his Android phone are selfies—Yes, all shirtless. The “Chad” suffix is because his parents are white trash. We’re both from Arkansas after all.

Shirtless Chad in the mirror
Chad, shirtless in the bathroom with an Android phone.

Before the multitudes of Hyper Woke come after me like “You can’t hate someone just for being shirtless,”  I can assure you that his Shirtlessness is the mildest of his offenses, just the most transparent.

It all started right after high school. Most people call it “college” but Chad didn’t go. He even got a scholarship and enrolled but he didn’t ever go. I mean, why attend university when you already got your GED, as well as a vocational degree in manual labor? Plus there’s a new batch of freshmen girls at the local high school. Please know that I’m not simply shaming Shirtless Chad for being white trash. I have a personal vendetta.


One night circa 2007 I was smoking weed with a friend from work at his place. Shirtless Chad was not invited. These were the days when vape pens weren’t around yet so getting high was always a whole ordeal. Now I can just stay high at work with relative ease. These were also the days before everyone had texting. I was one of the individuals who did not have the pleasure of using the T9 system yet. Therefore I didn’t receive the texts from Chad, who, unbeknownst to me, had plans with our friend to also smoke.

After the “sesh,” my homie pulls out his cellular phone and sees a text message; “Go look at Everett’s car.” Chad, the scorned would-be stoner, had apparently driven around town and located my vehicle parked outside the mutual friend’s apartment. It was a small town and gas was cheap.

“go look at Everett’s car”

Confused, we immediately went outside to discover that both of the rearview mirrors of my primer black Civic had been ruthlessly and shirtlessly kicked off. I hated Shirtless Chad from that day on, and never looked back. But that was mostly because I no longer had rearview mirrors.

Time went on, I moved away, I grew personally. Nothing, however, could satiate my hatred. Nothing could dissolve the grudge I had harbored deep within myself for Chad. I vowed to avenge my precious 1992 Honda Civic. Revenge is a dish best served shirtless.

One of Shirtless Chad's classic Facebook posts
One of Chad’s Facebook posts.

The advent of social media brought a glimmer of hope. I could just torment Shirtless Chad by trolling him. With every new shirtless selfie, courtesy of Chad, a new comment by yours truly, stating the obvious with “Shirtless? Priceless,” or I’d hit him with a “No shirt, no shoes, no problem.” This was also the time that “Sharing” became a thing on Facebook. I used the new feature to spread Chad’s Shirtlessness to my own friends. This went on for several months until he got fed up and threatened to drive to the city in which I resided in order to inflict physical damage unto me. This never happened. Chad is a bitch.

Now that I had been found out, I couldn’t very well keep trolling him in the same way. Chad loved the ladies. It was easily inferred by his posts that stated things like “Ladies 😉 hit me up” and listed his phone number on a public post. These horny posts were alternated with ones passionately expressing his love for his babymama, and intermittently those about how she cheated on him with a guy by getting in his truck and blowing him, etc. Basic unaware white trash stuff.

Shirtless Chad flicking people off.
Shirtless Chad posing for Facebook.

I had a female roommate at the time, and she was super down to mess with him. His telephone number being posted publicly, I employed her to call him. He had just officially divorced his first babymama, and the public hateposts were subsiding. He needed love.

So we called him. Making reference to all his horny posts, we (using her voice, I should add.) talked dirty to him, making him think that he had a remote lover in a nearby town. It was just the opposite, though. It was me; the victim of a senseless crime. Her friends started calling him too. Even my roommate’s best friend, my now fiancee, started calling him, telling him to come to where we all were. He was extremely down for this, it seemed. But in reality, neither his horny levels, nor his desire to kick my ass would make up for the gas prices.


It was around this time that Shirtless Chad started getting his shit together. According to his Facebook profile Chad became CEO at “bein my own boss” and graduated from “The School Of Hard Knocks.” I wished I was around to see it. But, alas, I was then blocked. No doubt I had my spies scoping his profile, but it just wasn’t the same. I wanted to witness firsthand the new blooming relationship between Chad and a teenage girl from the next town over. I had to wait for my chance.

One of Chad’s recent Facebook posts.

According to my spies, Chad was in a successful relationship with a teenager who shared his love for Nu Metal apparel and memorabilia. This was a good closure from Chad’s woes with his babymama, who was notably no longer a teenager. 

It was at this time I was blocked. Although I had my spies, it just wasn’t the same. I needed to feel something deeper. I needed to make him feel something deeper than hate. Love.

Her name was Ginnopher Heiferweight. This name sounds incredibly fake because it is. At first I just wanted a spycam on Chad, just to monitor his actions. Once I had seen what had happened I had to go in. 

Ginnopher Heiferweight
Ginnofer Heiferweight.

Relationships must have been dizzying for Chad. Once his babymama got in a truck with another man, Chad was on it. He fell immediately smitten with yet another teenager from another town. I monitored this. I did not comment. Only a few short months into what was allegedly true love, Shirtless Chad was sent to jail for “false imprisonment” and “lacerating a victim.” This means he cut his eighteen year old girlfriend with a knife and wouldn’t let her leave. Pretty bad. 

I messaged his cousin, who was extremely shameful for Chad’s actions, and lifestyle. I requested Shirtless Chad’s inmate details regarding his postal address, but it was never confirmed. My plan was to get as many people as possible to print and mail Chad photos of his own shirtless body. It never happened but it probably would have been cool.

It was time that Chad and Ginnopher Heiferweight should meet. Yes I created her. It was “Jennifer” spelled in the most odious way, and Heiferweight–like ok you get it. I thought to myself, “Surely he wouldn’t fall for it.” I was wrong.

Ginnopher. It feels gross even typing it. I found her profile pictures by searching “missing teenage girl.” Yes, I feel bad about it. But this is what Shirtless Chad was into, apparently. 


I had noticed Chad had just “designed” his first tattoo. The picture posted depicted the outline of the state of Arkansas with two bisecting diagonal banners displaying his last name. Not terrible in concept, but the state was filled in with red and the banner was a dark blue. The letters of his name were in white and resembled stars. Yes, this conjures the image of a Confederate flag, and for good reason, it was supposed to.

Upon seeing this, I knew Ginnopher needed to give her approval. So I sent him a message telling him how fond I was of the design. I then showed him “my” first tattoo. I Googled “shitty girl tattoo” and sent him the first thing I found. I think it was an abstract heart that turned into an arrow or something equally stupid. Of course he replied with his delight.

Now, Chad was definitely racist. This was all but confirmed with his rebel flag-inspired tattoo, but as I looked deeper within even his own comment sections, I noticed something else; other white supremacists were actually making fun of him. He literally wasn’t even good at being racist. For instance: he would post yet another shirtless selfie with a caption like “1488” or “da south will rise again,” and some other, presumably higher ranking racists would actually clown on him for, what I can only assume is “not being racist very well.”

It was incredible to witness, but as Ginnopher Heiferweight, I couldn’t really “weigh” in, no pun intended, without giving myself up. So I let this pass on as what it was. And what it was, was fucking stupid. That’s when I got super into flirting with Chad, my personal enemy, as a made up teenage girl from an even skankier adjacent town, using the pictures of missing teenage girls. I think I said on her profile that she worked at “McDoneld.”

Mcdoneld

Ginnopher Heiferweight
Chad’s girlfriend.

Unfortunately, I can’t remember any specifics on how I got Chad to go Facebook official with Ginnopher, but it happened. “Chad (redacted) is in an Open Relationship with Ginnopher Heiferweight.” 

OK, I got “open relationship,” not full fidelity, but it was more than I had even hoped for.

Ginnopher’s Facebook bio.

But, alas, Chad’s horny levels in IRL were too much for Ginnopher’s online love. He soon started dating a much younger girl who had recently graduated from another closeby town’s high school. 

She was about eight years younger than Chad, which is technically legal since she was eighteen years of age, just off-putting. I essentially knelt down as Ginnopher and acquiesced to the advent of his new relationship. But I watched. Again, the ups and downs, all clearly documented on Facebook Dot Com. One episode that will always stick in my mind is when she “got in another guy’s truck,” which remains unclear whether this is a euphemism for sex, or simply a vessel to drive there. It is exemplary of what one would expect a white trash man of this caliber to actualize.

Aside from the typical “I love you x Break up now horny” posts which had become canonical to Shirtless Chad, his love life timeline was fairly dark. Until I got news via a screenshot of the newspaper in my hometown was texted to me by an old, mutual spectator.

One of chad's Facebook posts
One of Chad’s Facebook posts.

Chad had gone dark for several days. Now I knew why. Chad was in jail. For the apparent “laceration” and “false imprisonment” which was “of a minor.” I guess his new girlfriend had lied about graduating high school after all, barring her being a genius, which I severely doubt she was.

This was all too good to be true. Chad, the man who had senselessly kicked the mirrors off my precious 1992 Honda Civic, was finally behind bars. Karma had finally worked its way out in my favor.

But I wasn’t done. I had since befriended Shirtless Chad’s cousin, who, embarrassed that Chad had sullied the family name, was happy to do my bidding. I only asked for one thing: his prison mailing address.

I went to FedEx and printed out a shirtless picture of Chad. I wrote down the address to his jail with his mail receival details and I sealed it up in an envelope with these words: No, you go look at your windows, Chad. 

written by Everett Byram aka Rad Milk

Asshole Spreading Emoji Scheduled to be Released in 2020

2020: the year of the 2020 election and the year of amazing new emojis.

New emojis being released in 2020.
A sneak peak at some of the new emojis coming out in 2020.

Emoji 13.0 will include the “asshole spreading” emoji as well, however. We were quite shocked when we saw this unique emoji buried amongst many others in Emojipedia’s newest keyboard library release.

The asshole spreading emoji.
A blown up version of the new asshole spreading emoji coming out.

Many Americans have been joking for years that the asshole spreading gesture should have been an emoji by now. If you are one of them, you are in luck. Thanks to innovative emoji designers who have been pushing hard for progressive, PG-13 keyboard icons, the day has finally come!

You can see the official statement from Emojipedia on their Twitter. They have also posted an article about every upcoming emoji on their blog.

I hope you all are as excited as we are!

The asshole spreading emoji.
What will you use this new emoji for?

Yogurt Companies Are Using Illegal Whitening Spray

2020 may be the year of “ok bad person” (zoomer’s version of OK boomer towards millennials) and atrocious VICE articles, but deep down we all know there are even crazier things going on in the world. One of our contacts at Buzzfeed Croatia gave us a lead on a story about Indonesian Yogurt companies using “whitening spray” to augment the color of their dairy product. We investigated further, only to find out this product is actually illegal, and is the source of endless controversy in certain pockets of the internet.

Illegal whitening spray being used on S & N's product.
The company that makes the spray is known as “Nurraysa.”

Nurraysa, a popular Indonesian skin care company, allegedly got its foot in the door with the Yogurt company in 2013 – when they were struggling to stay in business as Dannon’s product line began rapidly expanding.

Segar & Nikmat reached out to us in what appeared to be a moment of desperation as their business was going under. Dannon had just released a new line of animal crackers and was blowing all the competition out of the water. So the CEO of S & N thought, “Hey, why not? If Dannon wants to play hard-ball let’s try something new and progressive.” Right around that time is when we received a phone call inquiring about one of our secret products – an experimental spray we had been developing for years designed to reverse the effects of overexposure to UV rays.

anonymous Nurraysa employee

Nurraysa’s product had yet to be released to the public, but had been proven effective in numerous human experiments. See image below for a leaked image from one of their experimental trials.

Nurraysa's product being used on humans.
“A reverse spray tan” some had been calling it.

Little did Nurraysa know, by selling the patent to their product to S & N, this would give rise to an entire new Indonesian black market. Illegal whitening spray blew up almost overnight.

Nurraysa, a beauty and skin care company.
The skin care company responsible for the outbreak of illegal whitening spray.

S & N spent hundreds of thousands of dollars tweaking the formula to work on their product, until one day, January 28th 2014, they found the right formula. The product was being used on every yogurt release not even one week later, and the formula was leaked to the general public within the first two months.

Segar & Nikmat, the controversial yogurt company/
Segar & Nikmat, the controversial yogurt company that reached out to Nurraysa.

7 years later, black market entrepreneurs are synthesizing “fake” illegal whitening spray, which has become a multi-million dollar market. Similar to the rise of knock-off cosmetics, people are still paying an arm and a leg for the real thing.

There are reports of original Nurraysa beta sprays being sold for upwards of $50,000.

Why is it illegal though, you might ask? The Indonesian government outlawed the spray due to alleged ties with the Dannon company, doing anything within their power to squash the competition. Dannon officials were scratching their heads when S & N became a threat to an international powerhouse company nearly overnight.

“We have no ties with the Indonesian government and have no interest in anything they do,” said the CEO of Dannon in an off the books interview.

Emmanuel Faber – CEO of Dannon.

Is Nurraysa in the wrong? Segar & Nikmat? The Indonesian government? Dannon? Or none of them? Follow for more updates as this story continues to unfold.

How much would you pay for an original bottle of Nurraysa beta spray?

An Interview With John Trulli, The CEO of Cringe, aka Cabbage Cat Memes

Interviewer: What exactly does being the CEO of cringe mean to you? How did you become the CEO of cringe?

Google results for the CEO of cringe, John Trulli.
Google results showing John as the CEO of Cringe

JT CEOOC: Being the ceo of cringe isn’t a job. Its more of a state of mind. Lots of people are worried about how they are perceived online. If you give up completely on being cool, and let the cringe seep out, everyone would feel a little more comfortable sharing ideas online.


Interviewer: Have you ever posted cringe and deleted it in the past before you became the CEO of cringe?

JT CEOOC: I became the ceo of cringe once I realized that nothing I was posting was actually funny at all. Most of the comments I got were like “delet this” and “John stop”. My family was getting worried and my old coworkers were slowly dropping off the friends list.

Also, yes I have deleted cringe in my history of going online. Most of the time this happened I was under the influence of cannabis. I’d post stuff and wonder if it made any sense at all, have a mild panic attack and delete it. Maybe it was my best work and maybe it was garbage, it was impossible to know under those conditions.


Interviewer: Has there ever been a meme you regret creating? What is the most cringe thing you have ever seen online?

JT CEOOC: I regret creating any meme at all. At this age I could have learned a useful skill or anything at all, but somehow it’s more important to me to try and make a dozen strangers chuckle online. Maybe it’s becusse I’m a Leo and need attention or zuckerberg got me addicted to chasing notifications as a replacement for human contact. The most cringe thing I have seen online changes every day. Every day I am utterly surprised at the cringe I encounter. It’s everywhere, it’s growing exponentially, and it has taken over the world. Young people think Facebook is cringe and old people think TikTok is cringe, but in reality we are all participating.

A meme about someone being on the phone with the CEO of cringe.
A meme about a kid who looks sort of like a frat boy being on the phone with the CEO of Cringe.

Interviewer: I totally feel that.. There’s definitely a deeper philosophy at work here. How do you think cringe and memes in general will evolve over the next 5-10 years?

JT CEOOC: My opinions are always evolving, but sometimes I come across the thought that Facebook and Instagram are antiquated and boring. I personally enjoy what I see on TikTok at the moment. The next generation is very creative and talented. There’s children learning how to edit videos and that have better taste in music than I do. I’m not sure how long TikTok will last but I think the whole static image thing will start to get boring as we die off. People want to hear distorted bass over a video of someone dipping their balls in soy sauce. As the new generations become more online and crave the surreal, anything is possible. Just have to see what platforms the Illuminati provide us to express ourselves while we become isolated and insane.


Interviewer: Hell yeah, that makes the future sound exciting. What is your favorite kind of burrito, and what do you think the acronym CEO actually stands for?

JT CEOOC: My favorite kind of burrito is usually whatever is closest to me. I get as many ingredients as possible and try to eat one or two a day. I don’t know how I’d live without that meal. I’ve never really thought about what CEO stands for. Maybe cringe exists online. I’ve tried to look it up but nobody actually knows and that’s why it’s such a cool title to use.

Interviewer: And for the final question, has having so much clout ever gotten to you and have you had to take steps to rectify it? It must be wild growing so quickly as an individual in such a rapidly growing scene.

JT CEOOC: I’ve heard stories of people suffering from clout poisoning. I think it’s impossible to be extremely online and not have it affect you in some way. I’m not sure what it does to me aside from help me pass the time without learning anything real. I meet lots of ppl and learn stuff so that’s my excuse for not giving up. I like to be surrounded by people I think are funny and creative, even if it’s mostly in iMessage. But it led me to a new state and an office with other people that are quite similar to me that I would have never met.

Interviewer: Hell yeah that’s inspiring. Your memes def inspired me to start my own meme pages and it brings constant laughter and joy. Thanks for talking with us!


Make sure to follow @cabbagecatmemes and @john_trulli on Instagram for a never-ending stream of deeply satisfying, cringe-worthy content!

This Strange Demographic Has Been Shoving Kratom Up Their Ass

Perhaps you remember the Tide Pod Challenge, a meme that went viral in turn causing thousands of children to start eating Tide Pods. Well, it seems as if this phenomenon of people taking IRL cues from the online world is happening again, except this time it’s even weirder. The demographic being referred to in the title is “country girls,” a unique breed of redneck, southern, John Deere driving millennials.

Emma Watson on a meme featuring kratom boofing.
One of the memes referencing the phenomenon of country girls inserting Kratom into their rectums.

This viral phenomenon originated from the hit Facebook meme page “Country Girls Who Boof Kratom” which has amassed nearly 10,000 followers.

The word boof is a colloquial terminology used to denote the act of inserting something into your rectum, usually a drug of some sort.

boof (third-person singular simple present boofs, present participle boofing, simple past and past participle boofed) (transitive, slang) To have anal sex with someone, usually as the penetrative partner (possibly with negative connotations). (transitive, prison, slang) To conceal (a prohibited item) in one’s rectum.

Wiktionary.com’s definition of boof

We interviewed one anonymous fan of the page who claims “I was tired of swallowing so much powder all the time to fuel my habit, and when I heard about using a turkey baster to get the product into my body, I was instantly intrigued.”


A meme with a cowgirl dabbing at the prospect of boofing kratom.
A cowgirl dabbing at the prospect of inserting Mitrogyna Speciosa into her rectum.

This phenomenon has yet to go mainstream, but here at Despite Everything we eagerly anticipate the day that CNN starts reporting on this bizarre cultural phenomenon. Kratom has been coming under heavy fire as is, particularly from local news channels trying to warn their constituents about this allegedly dangerous product. Imagine if they found out girls were putting it into their rectum! The news would have a hay day.

Screen capture of a local news channel doing a piece on the “dangers of Kratom.”

In conclusion – it appears as if the internet is truly making people go crazy. Especially people who love trucks, mudding, and hay.

Do you know anyone who has tried this? Have southern millennials lost their minds? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Theoretical Dinosaurs I Made

There’s a lot of dinosaurs that we know so i wanted to help make new ones that may excistsedm

I call it TwoOsaurus it has two neck and move with two feet but have two tail… maybe it is cool and also bad like the one is bad but the other is more happier.

What if he ecxisted like it was a dino that had a heavy hand and spikes that’d be so cool and what if he was a bird beak? Also if he was green but yello green that’d be so cool too and aewosme!

My red dino he has like the vlieociraprot claw toe but is so big and go fast big time now ha faster then the ofhter! oh alwos he haj llike the shaprest teeth in dinoaur

fffssssmmmmmm

jfai)) 8

Emojis Are The New Cursive And It’s Time For Boomers To Learn It

Baby boomers have been looking down on younger generations for not being able to decipher language in the style known as ‘cursive.’

It has been reported that this older generation is known for taking pride in their ability to write words in one continuous line. One zoomer, age 11, even claimed that “this variation of the written language is somehow intellectually and culturally superior to standard manuscript.”

School lessons on how to write in cursive.
Lessons from school on how to write in “cursive”


Some have claimed that it doesn’t make much sense to pride oneself on doing things ‘the old fashioned way.’


A car featuring an automatic transmission.
Automatic cars are known for their ease of changing gears and overall user friendliness.


Enough about cars though… millennials and zoomers are fighting back by creating a new language that is challenging their elder’s ability to comprehend the way they communicate every day.


This evolution of the written language has been commonly referred to as “emojis.” What exactly is an “emoji?”

noun

  1. a small digital image or icon used to express an idea, emotion, etc.

From the perspective of signalling theory, the main obstacle to the evolution of language-like communication in nature is not a mechanistic one. Rather, it is the fact that symbols—arbitrary associations of sounds or other perceptible forms with corresponding meanings—are unreliable and may well be false. As the saying goes, “words are cheap”. The problem of reliability was not recognized at all by Darwin, Müller or the other early evolutionary theorists.

Wikipedia

emojis liven up your text messages with tiny smiley faces

A screenshot of someone using emojis in a sentence.
Screenshot of someone expressing happy, cool, and swag emotions in a sentence via the use of emojis.


Many baby boomers have been known to confuse the crying emoji for ‘crying of laughter’ emoji. Many have seen boomers make this mistake more often, but never in this context. Even if it were the crying 😢 emoji, it would still be a tasteless way to inform family of your son’s death.


A screenshot of the iPhone's coveted emoji keyboard.
Apples iPhone keyboard features a wide array of unique, well designed emojis.


Some zoomers are reportedly making their own emojis.. and millennials are following suit, causing the iPhone keyboard to become even more popular.

I cannot doubt that language owes its origin to the imitation and modification, aided by signs and gestures, of various natural sounds, the voices of other animals, and man’s own instinctive cries.

Charles Darwin, 1871. The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex

We Interviewed The People Making Memes About Corn

Perhaps you have heard of the notorious meme pages on Facebook known as “Corn is the best crop & wheat is the worst” or “Corn” – even better, perhaps you follow them. We interviewed some of the admins of these highly niche content pages and were surprised at what we found.

A meme about receiving a text message from Corn.
A hilarious meme about receiving a text message from Corn.

Interviewer: What are your DM’s like?

One of the anonymous admins responded: “They are literally insane, for some reason Corn makes people extremely horny. The inbox is constantly full of horny Corn posters. One time someone sent us an image of a corn on the cob in their vagina.”

Interviewer: Why do you think people go so crazy about Corn?

Admin: I think people like being on the inside of an inside joke. That’s how I view the Corn pages as one big inside joke.

Interviewer: Huge swag.

Admin: There’s a group called a group where we angry react corn which was originally formed from an inside joke of a group where we angry react Ricky. I was very active in under the veil of corn. They loved it for a while but the corn group has 20k now all pretending to know the joke.

Interviewer: What are your favorite kind of corn memes?

Admin: My favorite corn memes are memes I change about eating pussy to eating corn.

Interviewer: Why do you think there are pages about Corn with thousands of followers as opposed to any of the other vegetables?

Admin: I’ve seen other vegetables and even have a page my friend Josh and I made called mango the fruit and it got no traction. I think it’s just slightly off the wall. Kinda like forklift memes, It makes you think ‘wtf.’ I’ve meet someone in the corn page that actually got the word corn tattooed above her eyebrow.

Interviewer: How has having Corn clout benefitted you IRL?

A Tinder screenshot exchanging ideas about Corn.
Corn admin’s interacting on Tinder.

Admin: This is a screenshot from my tinder. Lmaoooo.

It's almost scientifically proven that cooking someone corn will cure their depression.
Classic meme about Corn.