Omaha, NE — Mike Vamosi, 37, spoke to reporters while walking to the mail dropbox down the street from his apartment complex with a large fake mustache glued to his upper lip.
“I’m so sick of these libs thinking that mail-in-voting is safe and secure. I’m about to prove them wrong,” Vamosi whispered while peeking over his shoulder. “It’s just not possible! I could be anyone and nobody’s gonna check my I.D. or nothing! Watch this.”
Vamosi then began to whistle loudly in a failed attempt to appear nonchalant as he approached the mail dropbox.
“Yep, here I am! Herschel Davidson! Just doing my civic duty and casting my vote!” Vamosi shouted to no one. “Herschel Davidson is my dead step-dad,” Vamosi silently said as he giggled, which suddenly evolved into full-blown sobbing.
“Look!” said Vamosi, holding his ballot envelope in front of him while wiping away a tear. “It says my name ‘Mike Vamosi,’ but as you can see, I don’t look like me anymore! I even signed this envelope and everything!” he said before dropping his ballot in the dropbox and winking to no one.
Vamosi then cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted “Welp! Time for me to go home, kick back with a hard seltzer, and watch some good ol’ CNN!” directly into the mail slot as if drunkenly ordering Taco Bell on foot in the drive-thru. He then performed an about-face and raised his hand as if to hi-five, before realizing he was alone.
Sources confirm that the mustache was made using real mustache hairs he harvested from his late step-dad’s corpse after a long, drawn out battle with mesothelioma.
An anonymous source close to the Biden campaign was rummaging through her husband’s desk for evidence of infidelity when she stumbled upon a manilla envelope labeled “Campagne Strategy.”
Never mind that Biden seems to believe “campaign” is spelled like “Champagne”, what she found inside the envelope was what could only be described as a politician’s reworking of the It’s Always Sunny episode in which the titular character lays out his detailed and premeditated predatory strategy for picking up women. Except Biden plans to use it on America.
Our source seemed suspiciously eager to hand over the folder and all of its disturbing contents, and it became a top priority to disseminate these documents to the public by way of this article.
The list that follows was compiled by Vice President Joseph Biden and does not reflect the views of this publication.
D – Demonstrate Value
Listen here, Jack. The first thing you gotta do is make them want you. And since I can’t do that, I gotta make them think they need me. All I have to do is the absolute bare minimum and it should be clear that I am the more qualified candidate in the race. Piece of cake. Next letter.
E – Engage Physically
Now pay attention, sister. I am fully aware that around 55% of America’s voters are women, which is perfect, because I connect with women. Women see me as a protector and long to be embraced by me. I’ve also found that A Friendly Sniff ™ of the neck initiates an intense wave of passionate peacefulness and trust, as it lets them know if anything bad happens to them, Uncle Joe is mobilized and tracking their scent.
N – Nurture Dependence
Here’s the deal, bucko. America doesn’t know what it needs. Doesn’t know what’s good for it. People wanna defund police, for Pete’s sake. I’m gonna have to constantly reinforce the idea that the people are lost sheep, and I am the shepherd come to lure them back to my home.
N – Neglect Emotionally
Now buckle up, Buster, because we ain’t there yet. My people on the inside tell me there’s a nasty pandemic on the way. This is where I’ll employ a little tough love. The world will be in a panic and looking for leadership, and America’s gonna want Papa Joe Joe to give ‘em the business. But too bad, because I’ll be completely unreachable. This way, they’ll understand they can’t get back on the highway to prosperity without a real man at the wheel.
I – Inspire Hope
Gotta hand it to my brotha Barack. That whole “hope” gimmick was nothing if not effective. After America is adequately destitute, I will resurface, and revealing my face with its soothing fatherly features should be all it takes to win them back. No reason to think I’ll have to actually do anything to help. That’s not my job. Not yet.
S – Separate Entirely
Now that voters know I’m not dead, it’s time to lay low until the election. Can’t say anything stupid if I don’t say anything at all. Best to play it safe and let Don keep shooting himself in the foot. It’s possible the media will spin it as a failure to lead in a time of crisis, but don’t get snarky, Sparky. They’re gonna thank me later.
As of the time of this publication, the Biden campaign has not returned our request for comment.
2020 may be the year of “ok bad person” (zoomer’s version of OK boomer towards millennials) and atrocious VICE articles, but deep down we all know there are even crazier things going on in the world. One of our contacts at Buzzfeed Croatia gave us a lead on a story about Indonesian Yogurt companies using “whitening spray” to augment the color of their dairy product. We investigated further, only to find out this product is actually illegal, and is the source of endless controversy in certain pockets of the internet.
Nurraysa, a popular Indonesian skin care company, allegedly got its foot in the door with the Yogurt company in 2013 – when they were struggling to stay in business as Dannon’s product line began rapidly expanding.
Segar & Nikmat reached out to us in what appeared to be a moment of desperation as their business was going under. Dannon had just released a new line of animal crackers and was blowing all the competition out of the water. So the CEO of S & N thought, “Hey, why not? If Dannon wants to play hard-ball let’s try something new and progressive.”Right around that time is when we received a phone call inquiring about one of our secret products – an experimental spray we had been developing for years designed to reverse the effects of overexposure to UV rays.
anonymous Nurraysa employee
Nurraysa’s product had yet to be released to the public, but had been proven effective in numerous human experiments. See image below for a leaked image from one of their experimental trials.
Little did Nurraysa know, by selling the patent to their product to S & N, this would give rise to an entire new Indonesian black market. Illegal whitening spray blew up almost overnight.
S & N spent hundreds of thousands of dollars tweaking the formula to work on their product, until one day, January 28th 2014, they found the right formula. The product was being used on every yogurt release not even one week later, and the formula was leaked to the general public within the first two months.
7 years later, black market entrepreneurs are synthesizing “fake” illegal whitening spray, which has become a multi-million dollar market. Similar to the rise of knock-off cosmetics, people are still paying an arm and a leg for the real thing.
There are reports of original Nurraysa beta sprays being sold for upwards of $50,000.
Why is it illegal though, you might ask? The Indonesian government outlawed the spray due to alleged ties with the Dannon company, doing anything within their power to squash the competition. Dannon officials were scratching their heads when S & N became a threat to an international powerhouse company nearly overnight.
“We have no ties with the Indonesian government and have no interest in anything they do,” said the CEO of Dannon in an off the books interview.
Is Nurraysa in the wrong? Segar & Nikmat? The Indonesian government? Dannon? Or none of them? Follow for more updates as this story continues to unfold.
How much would you pay for an original bottle of Nurraysa beta spray?