the cat and the snowman v2.0 / bloomberg article

The Internet – a conservative wasteland or world of abstract sadness?

As politics and memes have increasingly started to overlap, an accelerated online dialog has been born. This birth has acted as a centrifugal force, polarizing communities and generating a superposition of ideas responsible for shaping millennial politics worldviews – be it through memes and their cultural significance or political fringe groups occupying IRL spaces.

Such a superposition has seemed to allow a large body of ideas to exist in a liminal state for better or for worse. We will refer to this superposition as “birony.”

As this inter-dimensional, hyper-psychological space unravels and reality continues to dissolve, trickle down economics has ensnared yet another facet of our mind’s various realities. We have been calling it Trickle ALL the Way Down Economics, as the ruling class’ attempts controlling the general public have become increasingly insidious. They have begun to find their way into niche meme and other obscure communities (even though memes aren’t technically economic, they actually are) — insidious threads of power are taking root in otherwise previously less tainted, avant-garde communities.

The use of birony is what allows this phenomenon to exist – very real ideas and implications are able to be shrouded behind a veil of uncertainty; drowned out as white noise while their tendrils dig into the American collective subconscious.

Surreal humor highlights the utter absurdity of all of this; that is, the inter-galactic cartoon that is American society and politics. Someone with dementia could very well be debating an entity that is a symbolic archetype of a group of people whose minds have been infected by dissonance. This dissonance, or fractured psychological framework we can call it, has been resurrected in the form of what we now know as “Donald Trump.” The shadow of the American Jungian shadow, an ancient and esoteric demonic force in carnal form.

Lila Rasa – what is real and what isn’t? We are amidst a psychological and cultural phenomenon unbeknownst to any previous generation: the derealization of 300 million living beings, the loss of a shared subconscious, the tangible diminishment of the ability to bond through love.

Dissociation would be a better alternative to this; to a fully derealized world. As we continue to de-realize, we are becoming progressively transparent. That is, we are disappearing. With dissociation, at least, we would still have some form of a heart and refuse to be exploited or controlled.

Truth is becoming a scarcer and scarcer commodity as the world is plagued with misinformation, making it so easy for poor people with clout to sell out to Bloomberg or anything similar online. Truth and values are essentially worthless now, leaving us that much more vulnerable to exploitation by the ruling class.

The exploitation of working class, blue collar meme makers and content creators. The ones who get home from a long day of shoveling coal and just want to make a meme or two. The ones who, all too often overlooked, are forced to choose between paying for the membership in the Worker’s Union instead of their cell phone and Internet bill.

The Mandela Affect is also real, and conservative memers are claiming to remember Tank Sinatra posting a different racist meme in 2012 on Twitter. The meme they claim to remember was actually an image _____ redacted

this is a good point to go off of and can segue into tanks racism. Nothing Really Matters And Neither Do My Racist Tweets

Surrealists have rejected the idea that advanced capitalism’s apparent successes—such as technological advancement, increased income in a correlated logarithm representing the rung of class, and increased leisure—could ever outweigh the social dysfunction and degradation of everyday life that it simultaneously inflicted

yes, while the memes seem innocuous at first they carry a sinister capitalistic message under the illusion of a joke we can shrug off. we’re accustomed to a bombardment of visual jokes during our free time that mind worms like the Bloomberg debacle carry potential to implant themselves. granted, that failed. the attempted covert nature of them was immediately discovered and what once was a boomer’s attempt at pantomiming the spirit of the times was replaced by a list of names responsible for their production

right they serve as an example of birony’s crumbling fringes. something like burning down applebees does not. the media saw it as a direct call to action rather than a critique of “millennials are killing INSERT FAST CASUAL CHAIN” is good to have things like the bloomer memes because it demonstrates the flexibility of the concept. and its limitations

While it may seem the fact that they were so fucking bad actually hurts our initial argument of birony — we now live in a world where nothing is real, and can see the truth about how they actually serve as an example of birony’s crumbling fringes. something like burning down applebees does not. the media saw it as a direct call to action rather than a critique of “millennials are killing INSERT FAST CASUAL CHAIN” articles.

Five Best Places to Cry on a Budget in NYC for Your Birthday

Illustration of the Brooklyn Bridge.
The “cool bridge: in NYC.

1. The Historic Brooklyn Bridge

Free to visit and with an incredible view, the Brooklyn Bridge is a place for tourists and natives alike to gather and appreciate soul crushing beauty and loneliness experienced every day by the people in this city. Think about the vastness of the universe, and how insignificant you are not just in New York, but the cosmos. It’s your birthday! What if you were never existed? Would anything be different? Probably not.

Steps to the New York Public Library.
The “steps” of the world famous New York Public Library.

2. The Steps of the New York Public Library

One of the most respected collections of literature in the world exists here. Renowned for its architecture and history, people flock here to pay respects to some of the greatest thinkers of our time. Take a seat and consider the fact that even though you brag about it at parties, you never finished
Infinite Jest. And you are so useless you even left that Keats book on the plane when you flew into JFK. How about the fact that you can only name one Bukowksi poem but your excuse is that he’s cancelled anyway.

An arch.

3. Washington Square Park

Stand under the arch and feel its presence, think of all the things this arch has seen, and what it represents for people. This chunk of stone is more important than you will ever be. Snap a selfie before the tears come. They know you’re a tourist. Go buy a hat to make up for your guilt. You have a passing idea to make the jazz musicians play “Happy Birthday” and see the whole park erupt into song, for you! Wait you don’t have any cash. No one cares. You’re so fucking conceited.

The "L Train."
“The L” – hands down the fastest train in NYC.

4. The L

Hop on the historic subway line, wait which one is it? Try and look at Google Maps – shit, no reception. Maybe you should ask? No, they will know you aren’t from here. Are you heading into Flatbush? Where even is that? Why is that cop staring at you? You’re overwhelmed. Head back up the stairs and call your $45 Uber. This is your fault for thinking you were even capable of getting to your “party” which no one is coming to without some kind of assistance. Just go back to your aunt’s house in Long Island.

99 cent store.
99 cents? What a cool store!

5. Outside of the 99c Fresh

Everyone talks about the fabled New York Slice. The World’s Best Pizza. You told all your friends back home in Illinois about your favorite spot on the “LES” but you kept walking past it because you were on the wrong side of the street. You just wanted an after party slice. Finally you find it, and get in line. God, it smells amazing! Wait – is this where the line starts? How much is it? The guy was mumbling. Just hand him a $5. Where’s your change? Don’t ask for it. Attempt to put some toppings on your cheese slice. What’s this brown powder? Why don’t they have parmesan? Why is the cashier yelling at you? You forgot your change. Just run.

by Kat Jimenez

The Shirtless Chad Saga

Everyone has enemies. Rivals. A nemesis even. For me, there is no one more suitable to reign supreme in this category than Shirtless Chad. 

In order to comprehend the odious enigma that is Shirtless Chad, one must first understand the origins of his name. The “Shirtless” part is derived from the fact that all of his Facebook picture uploads from his Android phone are selfies—Yes, all shirtless. The “Chad” suffix is because his parents are white trash. We’re both from Arkansas after all.

Shirtless Chad in the mirror
Chad, shirtless in the bathroom with an Android phone.

Before the multitudes of Hyper Woke come after me like “You can’t hate someone just for being shirtless,”  I can assure you that his Shirtlessness is the mildest of his offenses, just the most transparent.

It all started right after high school. Most people call it “college” but Chad didn’t go. He even got a scholarship and enrolled but he didn’t ever go. I mean, why attend university when you already got your GED, as well as a vocational degree in manual labor? Plus there’s a new batch of freshmen girls at the local high school. Please know that I’m not simply shaming Shirtless Chad for being white trash. I have a personal vendetta.

One night circa 2007 I was smoking weed with a friend from work at his place. Shirtless Chad was not invited. These were the days when vape pens weren’t around yet so getting high was always a whole ordeal. Now I can just stay high at work with relative ease. These were also the days before everyone had texting. I was one of the individuals who did not have the pleasure of using the T9 system yet. Therefore I didn’t receive the texts from Chad, who, unbeknownst to me, had plans with our friend to also smoke.

After the “sesh,” my homie pulls out his cellular phone and sees a text message; “Go look at Everett’s car.” Chad, the scorned would-be stoner, had apparently driven around town and located my vehicle parked outside the mutual friend’s apartment. It was a small town and gas was cheap.

“go look at Everett’s car”

Confused, we immediately went outside to discover that both of the rearview mirrors of my primer black Civic had been ruthlessly and shirtlessly kicked off. I hated Shirtless Chad from that day on, and never looked back. But that was mostly because I no longer had rearview mirrors.

Time went on, I moved away, I grew personally. Nothing, however, could satiate my hatred. Nothing could dissolve the grudge I had harbored deep within myself for Chad. I vowed to avenge my precious 1992 Honda Civic. Revenge is a dish best served shirtless.

One of Shirtless Chad's classic Facebook posts
One of Chad’s Facebook posts.

The advent of social media brought a glimmer of hope. I could just torment Shirtless Chad by trolling him. With every new shirtless selfie, courtesy of Chad, a new comment by yours truly, stating the obvious with “Shirtless? Priceless,” or I’d hit him with a “No shirt, no shoes, no problem.” This was also the time that “Sharing” became a thing on Facebook. I used the new feature to spread Chad’s Shirtlessness to my own friends. This went on for several months until he got fed up and threatened to drive to the city in which I resided in order to inflict physical damage unto me. This never happened. Chad is a bitch.

Now that I had been found out, I couldn’t very well keep trolling him in the same way. Chad loved the ladies. It was easily inferred by his posts that stated things like “Ladies 😉 hit me up” and listed his phone number on a public post. These horny posts were alternated with ones passionately expressing his love for his babymama, and intermittently those about how she cheated on him with a guy by getting in his truck and blowing him, etc. Basic unaware white trash stuff.

Shirtless Chad flicking people off.
Shirtless Chad posing for Facebook.

I had a female roommate at the time, and she was super down to mess with him. His telephone number being posted publicly, I employed her to call him. He had just officially divorced his first babymama, and the public hateposts were subsiding. He needed love.

So we called him. Making reference to all his horny posts, we (using her voice, I should add.) talked dirty to him, making him think that he had a remote lover in a nearby town. It was just the opposite, though. It was me; the victim of a senseless crime. Her friends started calling him too. Even my roommate’s best friend, my now fiancee, started calling him, telling him to come to where we all were. He was extremely down for this, it seemed. But in reality, neither his horny levels, nor his desire to kick my ass would make up for the gas prices.

It was around this time that Shirtless Chad started getting his shit together. According to his Facebook profile Chad became CEO at “bein my own boss” and graduated from “The School Of Hard Knocks.” I wished I was around to see it. But, alas, I was then blocked. No doubt I had my spies scoping his profile, but it just wasn’t the same. I wanted to witness firsthand the new blooming relationship between Chad and a teenage girl from the next town over. I had to wait for my chance.

One of Chad’s recent Facebook posts.

According to my spies, Chad was in a successful relationship with a teenager who shared his love for Nu Metal apparel and memorabilia. This was a good closure from Chad’s woes with his babymama, who was notably no longer a teenager. 

It was at this time I was blocked. Although I had my spies, it just wasn’t the same. I needed to feel something deeper. I needed to make him feel something deeper than hate. Love.

Her name was Ginnopher Heiferweight. This name sounds incredibly fake because it is. At first I just wanted a spycam on Chad, just to monitor his actions. Once I had seen what had happened I had to go in. 

Ginnopher Heiferweight
Ginnofer Heiferweight.

Relationships must have been dizzying for Chad. Once his babymama got in a truck with another man, Chad was on it. He fell immediately smitten with yet another teenager from another town. I monitored this. I did not comment. Only a few short months into what was allegedly true love, Shirtless Chad was sent to jail for “false imprisonment” and “lacerating a victim.” This means he cut his eighteen year old girlfriend with a knife and wouldn’t let her leave. Pretty bad. 

I messaged his cousin, who was extremely shameful for Chad’s actions, and lifestyle. I requested Shirtless Chad’s inmate details regarding his postal address, but it was never confirmed. My plan was to get as many people as possible to print and mail Chad photos of his own shirtless body. It never happened but it probably would have been cool.

It was time that Chad and Ginnopher Heiferweight should meet. Yes I created her. It was “Jennifer” spelled in the most odious way, and Heiferweight–like ok you get it. I thought to myself, “Surely he wouldn’t fall for it.” I was wrong.

Ginnopher. It feels gross even typing it. I found her profile pictures by searching “missing teenage girl.” Yes, I feel bad about it. But this is what Shirtless Chad was into, apparently. 

I had noticed Chad had just “designed” his first tattoo. The picture posted depicted the outline of the state of Arkansas with two bisecting diagonal banners displaying his last name. Not terrible in concept, but the state was filled in with red and the banner was a dark blue. The letters of his name were in white and resembled stars. Yes, this conjures the image of a Confederate flag, and for good reason, it was supposed to.

Upon seeing this, I knew Ginnopher needed to give her approval. So I sent him a message telling him how fond I was of the design. I then showed him “my” first tattoo. I Googled “shitty girl tattoo” and sent him the first thing I found. I think it was an abstract heart that turned into an arrow or something equally stupid. Of course he replied with his delight.

Now, Chad was definitely racist. This was all but confirmed with his rebel flag-inspired tattoo, but as I looked deeper within even his own comment sections, I noticed something else; other white supremacists were actually making fun of him. He literally wasn’t even good at being racist. For instance: he would post yet another shirtless selfie with a caption like “1488” or “da south will rise again,” and some other, presumably higher ranking racists would actually clown on him for, what I can only assume is “not being racist very well.”

It was incredible to witness, but as Ginnopher Heiferweight, I couldn’t really “weigh” in, no pun intended, without giving myself up. So I let this pass on as what it was. And what it was, was fucking stupid. That’s when I got super into flirting with Chad, my personal enemy, as a made up teenage girl from an even skankier adjacent town, using the pictures of missing teenage girls. I think I said on her profile that she worked at “McDoneld.”


Ginnopher Heiferweight
Chad’s girlfriend.

Unfortunately, I can’t remember any specifics on how I got Chad to go Facebook official with Ginnopher, but it happened. “Chad (redacted) is in an Open Relationship with Ginnopher Heiferweight.” 

OK, I got “open relationship,” not full fidelity, but it was more than I had even hoped for.

Ginnopher’s Facebook bio.

But, alas, Chad’s horny levels in IRL were too much for Ginnopher’s online love. He soon started dating a much younger girl who had recently graduated from another closeby town’s high school. 

She was about eight years younger than Chad, which is technically legal since she was eighteen years of age, just off-putting. I essentially knelt down as Ginnopher and acquiesced to the advent of his new relationship. But I watched. Again, the ups and downs, all clearly documented on Facebook Dot Com. One episode that will always stick in my mind is when she “got in another guy’s truck,” which remains unclear whether this is a euphemism for sex, or simply a vessel to drive there. It is exemplary of what one would expect a white trash man of this caliber to actualize.

Aside from the typical “I love you x Break up now horny” posts which had become canonical to Shirtless Chad, his love life timeline was fairly dark. Until I got news via a screenshot of the newspaper in my hometown was texted to me by an old, mutual spectator.

One of chad's Facebook posts
One of Chad’s Facebook posts.

Chad had gone dark for several days. Now I knew why. Chad was in jail. For the apparent “laceration” and “false imprisonment” which was “of a minor.” I guess his new girlfriend had lied about graduating high school after all, barring her being a genius, which I severely doubt she was.

This was all too good to be true. Chad, the man who had senselessly kicked the mirrors off my precious 1992 Honda Civic, was finally behind bars. Karma had finally worked its way out in my favor.

But I wasn’t done. I had since befriended Shirtless Chad’s cousin, who, embarrassed that Chad had sullied the family name, was happy to do my bidding. I only asked for one thing: his prison mailing address.

I went to FedEx and printed out a shirtless picture of Chad. I wrote down the address to his jail with his mail receival details and I sealed it up in an envelope with these words: No, you go look at your windows, Chad. 

written by Everett Byram aka Rad Milk

5 Free iPhone Wallpapers To Make People Think You’re A Designer

You’re in a coffee shop or on the bus, minding your own business and browsing your iPhone. You begin to feel that unnerving sensation of somebody’s prying eyes behind you. In a cloud of confusion, anxiety, and shame you slip your iPhone into your pocket and stare out the window. Why are you like this? It turns out that you’re just self conscious about the way that your phone looks!

This is your iPhone. Yuck.

Everyone wants to be a designer. They’re the coolest people in the room and always rock the sickest logos and hats. Also they have the most decked out customized iPhones out of everyone they know. Wanna roll with the big dogs without doing the legwork? Well here’s a couple of wallpapers that’ll fool anyone around you into thinking you’re a designer yourself.


“The Sun-Kissed Frozen Valley”

This is a great starting point for any aspiring designer’s iPhone wallpaper. The contrast of the orange sun with the frozen behemoths floating silently in icy waters is not only visually stunning but carries weight in current climate change dialogs. People will wonder what big ideas you’re thinking about while multitabbing in Adobe Illustrator.


“Calling To The Forsaken Ones”

Apart from having the most future-forward stylistic ideas, people associate designers with deep and emotional concepts. The juxtaposition of the plain white text on a gorgeous cinematic backdrop conjures up associations of closed captions on a French arthouse film. This wallpaper proves that there is beauty in unknown or forgotten.


“My City, My Bridge. New York, Baby!”

If there’s any place on this planet that was literally made for designers then it’s New York, New York. Brooklyn is the epicenter of all forward-thinking cool design and showing off the bridge that gets you there is a surefire way of proving you’re up to snuff as a designer.


“Mankind’s Hubris- A Fatal Flaw”

The proboscis monkey wallpaper will keep people on their toes around you. The photograph is such high quality and the marbled eyes of the creature draw you into a liminal state of suppositions regarding the nature of Man and Beast. A piece of visual worth, sure, but a real designer is able to traverse the ever-shifting boundaries of what makes Us tick.


“Yes. Goals.”

Once you get through the first 4 wallpapers we offered, people will have a pretty good idea what you’re all about. A modern day thinker for future ideas. Now it’s time to seal the deal. Not only do you design but you hustle. You grind. You know time is precious and feigning and this wallpaper says it all. Hands fading into the backdrop clutching the pearls of The Now. When people see this they’ll not only think that you’re a designer; they’ll know you’re an innovator.

Drowning in Student Debt, Young Americans Turn to Selling Votes to Make Ends Meet

Everything has a price: from the ground under your feet to the words that come out of your mouth. Nowhere is this more true than on the black market. Occasionally a market will form, beneath the constant exchange of drugs and weapons, to cater to a more niche demand. Sometimes it is illegal pornography or murderers-for-hire, but today’s bumper crop may seem a bit innocuous by comparison: votes in the 2020 presidential election.

How much is your vote worth? Well, it depends. Are you in a swing state? Are you in an overrepresented electoral district? How close is the election at the moment? How many other people in your district are also offering their votes? All of these factors contribute to the final sticker price. Exceptionally “high quality” votes can net in excess of $500, but the average for swing state votes seems to have currently settled somewhere between $25 and $75, but experts say it is likely to increase as the election looms closer. This may seem high, but remember: selling a vote is a federal felony. Meth isn’t expensive because it is costly or difficult to make. It is expensive because if you get caught making it you will rot in jail for years. The same principle applies to votes.

“high quality” votes can net in excess of $500

What kind of person sells their vote? There is some history of Americans in extreme poverty selling their votes on the street for little more than a handle of vodka. However, these days most votes are sold online by young college students, and they are taking it very seriously. A typical vote sale might go something like this:

  1. A student, let’s call him “Allen”, decides that he would like to sell his vote.
  2. Allen uses the tor network to connect to a darknet marketplace specializing in electoral classifieds. Many such sites exist, with names like “VotesExchange” and “Cash4Prez”.
  3. Allen makes a sale listing. He fills in his precinct, and the site auto-populates the page with demographic statistics and polling data that will be useful for potential buyers.
  4. He sets his asking price based on the market rate that the website helpfully suggests. He is free to ask for more, but that is of course a gamble. As the election draws closer the value of his vote could fluctuate wildly. Allen decides to play it safe and price just below market rate for a quick sale.
  5. A buyer sends an offer through the integrated bidding portal, and Allen accepts. The buyer pays and the money is held in escrow. Allen will have a predefined number of business days to submit a mail-in ballot for his buyer’s chosen candidate and furnish proof. Once he does so, an administrator will release the transaction and Allen will receive payment in cryptocurrency.
Image result for creative commons free ballot image

If vote fraud businesses of the past were like a grimy motel, today’s voter fraudsters are AirBnB. They are slick, professional, and possess a tech-savvyness borne from a childhood spent online. This is a far cry from the old days of busing homeless Americans to the polls in exchange for a meal.

We managed to contact one man who posted a vote for sale in Illinois. For obvious reasons he chose to remain pseudonymous. His name on the VoteListings virtual classifieds site is “JuryDuty”. In response to our private message asking for some background into his decision to sell his vote, he had this to say:

i just realized it doesnt fucking matter. what difference does it make who i vote for? theyre all dipshits. if i can get $40 its gone its getting cold here and my gas bill is expensive as fuck. i care about being warm more than i care about which billionaire gets to be chief bigshit of the jackoff party. i figured out how to register at my old adress so i can probably mail in there too. just give me money i dont give a fuck lmfaa

Jury declined to provide any more information on his background, but looking at other users’ account aliases paints a startling picture: “FannieMaesCunt”, “UCONNisaCON”, “PayMyDebtPls”. Biography sections on user’s accounts frequently make reference to student loan debt and high cost of living. In many ways we seem to be witnessing a response to the desperate circumstances in which many young Americans find themselves.

Perhaps this attitude of hopelessness was best summarized by JuryDuty’s response to my asking what it would take for him to see value in his vote.

maybe if i could vote for mitch mconnel to blow his head off with a shotgun then sure i guess that would be worth voting for

An AI Generated Images Of The Average “Trump Voter”… And It Kind Of Looks Like Corn

Artificial Intelligence is everywhere in 2020; self driving cars rely on AI to make logical decisions in real-world situations, facial recognition by a police state is a heated debate in the media, and now AI is able to assess voter demographics based on physical appearance.

While the diverse population of the United States nearly reaches 330 million, computers are able to break down statistics and scale it with known data. This is exactly how an AI trained with cutting edge machine learning protocol managed to develop a summed image of the average Trump voter…

And it kind of resembles corn.

Organic mammalian material is slightly visible. However, the majority of the “voter” resembles corn.

The program was designed by Alexandre H., a small-time programmer working in R&D labs around the Cambridge area. She fed the AI data sourced from gerrymandered datasets of the entire USA.

This is a gerrymandered map of the USA. The red is predominantly farmland.

Gerrymandering is a useful tool used by politicians to divide votes amongst large portions of land. For instance, take a look at Pennsylvania’s map. The bulk of Pennsylvania comprises of hills, forests, and highways while PA’s main population lies on the Eastern and Western borders. Thanks to gerrymandering the rolling farmland is given an equal congressional vote as the high density cities are. Cool!

The AI believes that the red coloration is majority corn voter.

It’s always difficult to see the “hidden data” that eludes us normal people. Thankfully AI is constantly working to make developments in how we understand the world. Knowing that corn is given an equal opportunity in having its voice heard is refreshing. Thanks AI!

Boomer Parody Pages Are Putting Evolutionary Pressure on Ages 55 +, Causing Rudimentary Self Awareness

“Evolutionary pressure is causing rudimentary self-awareness in the older population.”

source: Harvard

Consciousness, most scientists argue, is not a universal property of all matter in the universe. Rather, consciousness is restricted to a subset of animals with relatively complex brains. The more scientists study animal behavior and brain anatomy, however, the more universal consciousness seems to be.

This then begs the question: are people “pretending to be boomers” on the internet holding up a mirror to this cursive loving, 55+ population? Is the self beginning to recognize the self? Are insane memes about “libtard snowflake bull” acting as an absurd foundation for bootstrapping consciousness in this older population?

A meme for old people about millennials and vibe checks.
A political cartoon catering towards geriatric humor demonstrating an increase in cultural and self awareness levels.

Bicameralism (the condition of being divided into “two-chambers”) is a hypothesis in psychology that argues that the human mind once operated in a state in which cognitive functions were divided between one part of the brain which appears to be “speaking”, and a second part which listens and obeys — a bicameral mind.

source: Yahoo Answers

Has this theory of the bicameral mind extended beyond itself into a broader cultural context? Is the constant stream of “boomer shitposts” speaking, and the older generation listening?

A meme that makes absolutely zero sense.
A meme that doesn’t make any sense documenting this bizarre cultural phenomenon.

Boomer parody pages such as “Garden Hoses & The Olden Days” and “Jekyll Does’nt Hide(a redneck, meth smoking spin-off of GH&TOD) have pioneered this phenomenon, resulting in a viral phenomenon known as “OK Boomer.”

Darwin is probably rolling over in his grave right about now.

A meme from the page Jekyll Does'nt Hide about driving trucks and getting pussy.
A classic Jekyll Does’nt Hide Meme illustrating the absence of self-awareness often found in the character they “portray.” No one knows who the admins of this page are, however, or if the people running this page are being ironic or not.
A screenshot of Garden Hoses & The Olden Day's Facebook photo gallery.
A screenshot of GH&TOD’s photo gallery, featuring a variety of memes and images presenting in “the old people style” consisting of Impact font and pixelated images.

Here at D.E. we have been pondering this philosophical impasse greatly, and found ourselves wondering if content creators having infused this level of absurdity into low-tier, often effortless square images has thrown nature for a loop. One recent article about the ecological perspective of challenges and opportunities for baby boomers suggests yes, this could indeed be the case.

In conclusion, the online war that has been waged by millennials against Zoomers & Boomers seems to be having unintended side effects.

What are your thoughts on this thought provoking, politically challenging issue?

Asshole Spreading Emoji Scheduled to be Released in 2020

2020: the year of the 2020 election and the year of amazing new emojis.

New emojis being released in 2020.
A sneak peak at some of the new emojis coming out in 2020.

Emoji 13.0 will include the “asshole spreading” emoji as well, however. We were quite shocked when we saw this unique emoji buried amongst many others in Emojipedia’s newest keyboard library release.

The asshole spreading emoji.
A blown up version of the new asshole spreading emoji coming out.

Many Americans have been joking for years that the asshole spreading gesture should have been an emoji by now. If you are one of them, you are in luck. Thanks to innovative emoji designers who have been pushing hard for progressive, PG-13 keyboard icons, the day has finally come!

You can see the official statement from Emojipedia on their Twitter. They have also posted an article about every upcoming emoji on their blog.

I hope you all are as excited as we are!

The asshole spreading emoji.
What will you use this new emoji for?

Yogurt Companies Are Using Illegal Whitening Spray

2020 may be the year of “ok bad person” (zoomer’s version of OK boomer towards millennials) and atrocious VICE articles, but deep down we all know there are even crazier things going on in the world. One of our contacts at Buzzfeed Croatia gave us a lead on a story about Indonesian Yogurt companies using “whitening spray” to augment the color of their dairy product. We investigated further, only to find out this product is actually illegal, and is the source of endless controversy in certain pockets of the internet.

Illegal whitening spray being used on S & N's product.
The company that makes the spray is known as “Nurraysa.”

Nurraysa, a popular Indonesian skin care company, allegedly got its foot in the door with the Yogurt company in 2013 – when they were struggling to stay in business as Dannon’s product line began rapidly expanding.

Segar & Nikmat reached out to us in what appeared to be a moment of desperation as their business was going under. Dannon had just released a new line of animal crackers and was blowing all the competition out of the water. So the CEO of S & N thought, “Hey, why not? If Dannon wants to play hard-ball let’s try something new and progressive.” Right around that time is when we received a phone call inquiring about one of our secret products – an experimental spray we had been developing for years designed to reverse the effects of overexposure to UV rays.

anonymous Nurraysa employee

Nurraysa’s product had yet to be released to the public, but had been proven effective in numerous human experiments. See image below for a leaked image from one of their experimental trials.

Nurraysa's product being used on humans.
“A reverse spray tan” some had been calling it.

Little did Nurraysa know, by selling the patent to their product to S & N, this would give rise to an entire new Indonesian black market. Illegal whitening spray blew up almost overnight.

Nurraysa, a beauty and skin care company.
The skin care company responsible for the outbreak of illegal whitening spray.

S & N spent hundreds of thousands of dollars tweaking the formula to work on their product, until one day, January 28th 2014, they found the right formula. The product was being used on every yogurt release not even one week later, and the formula was leaked to the general public within the first two months.

Segar & Nikmat, the controversial yogurt company/
Segar & Nikmat, the controversial yogurt company that reached out to Nurraysa.

7 years later, black market entrepreneurs are synthesizing “fake” illegal whitening spray, which has become a multi-million dollar market. Similar to the rise of knock-off cosmetics, people are still paying an arm and a leg for the real thing.

There are reports of original Nurraysa beta sprays being sold for upwards of $50,000.

Why is it illegal though, you might ask? The Indonesian government outlawed the spray due to alleged ties with the Dannon company, doing anything within their power to squash the competition. Dannon officials were scratching their heads when S & N became a threat to an international powerhouse company nearly overnight.

“We have no ties with the Indonesian government and have no interest in anything they do,” said the CEO of Dannon in an off the books interview.

Emmanuel Faber – CEO of Dannon.

Is Nurraysa in the wrong? Segar & Nikmat? The Indonesian government? Dannon? Or none of them? Follow for more updates as this story continues to unfold.

How much would you pay for an original bottle of Nurraysa beta spray?

The Return of Applebees: A Millennial’s Playground

Millennials grew up in a world full of questions. Did Bush do story time on September 11th, 2001? Did Israel really kill millions of kale plants as the most vegan country on earth? Was the moon landing really broadcast in black and white when the government had the science to make color film widely available?

The most difficult of these questions lies in what at first appears as a trivial matter:

Does Applebee’s go hard?

The answer, which appears to be an unequivocal yes, is “Yes.”

Applebee’s began as a small, humble operation in the heart of Boise. When Tim Apple and Alicia Bee met at a Cinnabon in 1948 the chemistry was instant. Their connection sparked what would become a neighborhood restaurant for neighborhoods across the country. I sat down with them at the world’s largest Applebee’s in the heart of Bushwick.

Alicia is virtuallly blind and Tim suffers from severe Alzheimer’s, but they both joyfully recall their first few years in operation.

“The invention of the microwave changed everything!” Alicia exclaims. Tim groans in confusion and agreement.

KJ: So what inspired you to pursue an endeavor like this?

Tim: There isn’t enough helium to sustain the dema-
Alicia, interrupting: Well we lived in what was a small, rural community at the time. Boise is now a booming city of fine dining and industry, but when we began there was nowhere to go to meet people or get to know your neighbors. We sought to fill that void.

KJ: So this was sort of a grass roots thing? Did you start off with a chef or are these home recipes?

Tim: The presidential election and impeachment trial is a divisive distraction to force peo-
Alicia: Most of our recipes are passed down through our families. Our 2 for $20 entreés were all taught to me by Tim’s mother. She was a wizard with the microwave and a total inspiration.

Tim Apple whipped up some of his famous shrimp fettuccini for the interview

KJ: When did you decide to go national?

Alicia: We wanted to bring our hometown feel to the rest of the country- everyone deserves to feel like the-
Tim: 5g is causing cancer in children wh-
Alicia: Honey, please. Everyone deserves to feel like they are eating good.

KJ: When did you notice young people getting more interested in your establishments?

Alicia: Within the last year our $1 monthly drinks have brought in a-
Tim: The economy has eaten itself and millennials can barely affor-

That was all the time our guests had to answer questions, but as they left arm in arm our staffed couldn’t help but smile. Tim led his octogenarian partner into traffic, and the keen listening she provided somehow saved them from a devastating impact.

Many Applebees locations will offer sports betting kiosks on each table- one of Alicia Bee’s favorite pastimes

The fire of their passion for eating good burns on in all of us, and is also legal and encouraged in every bathroom and dumpster on their property nationwide. Reporting from Applebee’s in Bushwick, this is K. Jimenez, despite everything