Free to visit and with an incredible view, the Brooklyn Bridge is a place for tourists and natives alike to gather and appreciate soul crushing beauty and loneliness experienced every day by the people in this city. Think about the vastness of the universe, and how insignificant you are not just in New York, but the cosmos. It’s your birthday! What if you were never existed? Would anything be different? Probably not.
2. The Steps of the New York Public Library
One of the most respected collections of literature in the world exists here. Renowned for its architecture and history, people flock here to pay respects to some of the greatest thinkers of our time. Take a seat and consider the fact that even though you brag about it at parties, you never finished Infinite Jest. And you are so useless you even left that Keats book on the plane when you flew into JFK. How about the fact that you can only name one Bukowksi poem but your excuse is that he’s cancelled anyway.
3. Washington Square Park
Stand under the arch and feel its presence, think of all the things this arch has seen, and what it represents for people. This chunk of stone is more important than you will ever be. Snap a selfie before the tears come. They know you’re a tourist. Go buy a hat to make up for your guilt. You have a passing idea to make the jazz musicians play “Happy Birthday” and see the whole park erupt into song, for you! Wait you don’t have any cash. No one cares. You’re so fucking conceited.
4. The L
Hop on the historic subway line, wait which one is it? Try and look at Google Maps – shit, no reception. Maybe you should ask? No, they will know you aren’t from here. Are you heading into Flatbush? Where even is that? Why is that cop staring at you? You’re overwhelmed. Head back up the stairs and call your $45 Uber. This is your fault for thinking you were even capable of getting to your “party” which no one is coming to without some kind of assistance. Just go back to your aunt’s house in Long Island.
5. Outside of the 99c Fresh
Everyone talks about the fabled New York Slice. The World’s Best Pizza. You told all your friends back home in Illinois about your favorite spot on the “LES” but you kept walking past it because you were on the wrong side of the street. You just wanted an after party slice. Finally you find it, and get in line. God, it smells amazing! Wait – is this where the line starts? How much is it? The guy was mumbling. Just hand him a $5. Where’s your change? Don’t ask for it. Attempt to put some toppings on your cheese slice. What’s this brown powder? Why don’t they have parmesan? Why is the cashier yelling at you? You forgot your change. Just run.
You’re in a coffee shop or on the bus, minding your own business and browsing your iPhone. You begin to feel that unnerving sensation of somebody’s prying eyes behind you. In a cloud of confusion, anxiety, and shame you slip your iPhone into your pocket and stare out the window. Why are you like this? It turns out that you’re just self conscious about the way that your phone looks!
Everyone wants to be a designer. They’re the coolest people in the room and always rock the sickest logos and hats. Also they have the most decked out customized iPhones out of everyone they know. Wanna roll with the big dogs without doing the legwork? Well here’s a couple of wallpapers that’ll fool anyone around you into thinking you’re a designer yourself.
This is a great starting point for any aspiring designer’s iPhone wallpaper. The contrast of the orange sun with the frozen behemoths floating silently in icy waters is not only visually stunning but carries weight in current climate change dialogs. People will wonder what big ideas you’re thinking about while multitabbing in Adobe Illustrator.
Apart from having the most future-forward stylistic ideas, people associate designers with deep and emotional concepts. The juxtaposition of the plain white text on a gorgeous cinematic backdrop conjures up associations of closed captions on a French arthouse film. This wallpaper proves that there is beauty in unknown or forgotten.
If there’s any place on this planet that was literally made for designers then it’s New York, New York. Brooklyn is the epicenter of all forward-thinking cool design and showing off the bridge that gets you there is a surefire way of proving you’re up to snuff as a designer.
The proboscis monkey wallpaper will keep people on their toes around you. The photograph is such high quality and the marbled eyes of the creature draw you into a liminal state of suppositions regarding the nature of Man and Beast. A piece of visual worth, sure, but a real designer is able to traverse the ever-shifting boundaries of what makes Us tick.
Once you get through the first 4 wallpapers we offered, people will have a pretty good idea what you’re all about. A modern day thinker for future ideas. Now it’s time to seal the deal. Not only do you design but you hustle. You grind. You know time is precious and feigning and this wallpaper says it all. Hands fading into the backdrop clutching the pearls of The Now. When people see this they’ll not only think that you’re a designer; they’ll know you’re an innovator.
No family. No friends. Her children would not speak to her anymore. She was cold and terrified, even the slightest sound within earshot would send her into nervous twitches. Her heart was dried up, shriveled and depleted, due to the constant outpouring of unrequited love and compassion she shared for those previously in her life.
We managed to track down her daughter, who wished to be referred to as “K”, and asked her why she no longer spoke to her mother.
“I do not wish to speak with her because she is an old hag. She is harrowed and barren. Her fortunes are no longer within my grasp. They have vanished like my love for her. I will not seek her out nor will I offer pieties to her. I have taken her gems and jewels and left her with her fabled coin-purse. I am a naughty greedy little leech and she is a haggard wench”…
“K” speaking about her estranged relationship with her mother
Surely there must be somebody who cares for this woman. Her petulant children wish to have nothing to do with her. They simply do not respect their elders, the greedy brats they are. When we found her alone upon the walkway under the tattered orange awning of the fish market promenade we were taken aback by the teardrops she had collected. We asked if she had a friend to confide in and she replied “just one”.
Just one friend. Terrible.
We found her friend, another woman who collected teardrops in return for catfish bones. She was spotted trading her catfish bone broth for plastic sandals to protect her brittle feet. We asked her about the coin-purse teardrop woman:
“May the code replicate eternal”
The catfish bone woman
It is a sad day when we must sit aside as querulous children disrespect the wise old members of society. We hope that by looking into this sullen woman’s history and way of life brought clarity upon the inequities some elderly people experience. Our hearts go out to everyone involved.
Searching for a new apartment can leave you exhausted, depressed, and broke. It seems that moving is getting harder and harder these days… until now! Thanks to this handy list you’ll be able to hunt for the perfect apartment in your city all while having fun (and saving some cash)!
Bring a friend
Taking a friend along with you is a good idea when checking out empty apartments. There will be no entertainment or furniture so having a pal by your side will help keep the edge off.
Ask the realtor questions
Getting to know your realtor/potential landlord might seem boring. “What do they know about the world?” you’ll ask yourself. Well actually the realtor might have some good stories. Ask them about their family, lost loves, or the scariest thing that has happened to them. Who knows, maybe they’ll cut you a deal!
Measuring all of the doorways and rooms is a good way to kill time when you’re on the apartment hunt. Keep a list of all the dimensions and compare them when you get home. Maybe a doorframe will be crooked! Cool!
Talk to the neighbors
Usually apartments will have neighbors occupying adjacent floors. Talking to them while you’re taking an apartment tour is a great way to network and flex your side hustle. If you become friends with them you can always crash at their place during the weekends; usually apartments are formatted similarly every floor. Rent-free baby!
Haggling with the landlord is not only a way to potentially save money but also a good way to kill time. It doesn’t even have to be about the rent! Like their watch? Offer them a pair of shoes you don’t like. Want to save money from the security deposit? Try to set them up with your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. Who knows what sweet deals you can nab by haggling a bit!
Hopefully these tips help alleviate some of the stress of finding a new apartment. There’s nothing more rewarding than signing that lease and knowing that you didn’t only get a good deal but that you had fun doing it!
In the year 2020, many often wonder what fascism actually is. “Google it,” some might say, attempting to inspire you to learn about political issues online. The world is a microcosm, however, and we can glean insights into larger issues by examining highly specific things. Was the nature of the punishment for “The Man Who Sent The Micropenis” indicative of a failing political and justice system?
Here is a virtual rendition / sketch of the man who committed this crime.
In the context of Barnaby’s crime, Reddit has taken to arms pondering the philosophical question of justice. Was his punishment just, they ask? Why has Barnaby been serving as the catalyst for this deeper inquiry into the nature of truth? What does he represent, what is Barnaby Edmonds symbolic of?
These are just some of the questions anxious Redditor’s have been asking each other. One Redditor went on to post an excerpt from a Virginia Woolf novel about the nature of universal microcosms and extrapolating ideas based off of granular events.
Brooding, she changed the pool into the sea, and made the minnows into sharks and whales, and cast vast clouds over this tiny world by holding her hand against the sun, and so brought darkness and desolation, like God himself, to millions of ignorant and innocent creatures, and then took her hand away suddenly and let the sun stream down. Out on the pale criss-crossed sand, high-stepping, fringed, gauntleted, stalked some fantastic leviathan (she was still enlarging the pool), and slipped into the vast fissures of the mountain side.
Excerpt from Virginia Woolf’s To The Lighthouse
Many questions remain
Why did Barnaby Edmonds commit the crime? And was his punishment just?
As for the reasoning behind Barnaby Edmond’s unique punishment; the helicopter pilot allegedly said, “you made me crash my air faring vehicle, so you can never fly again.”
Share your thoughts on the matter in the comments section below.
Baby boomers have been looking down on younger generations for not being able to decipher language in the style known as ‘cursive.’
It has been reported that this older generation is known for taking pride in their ability to write words in one continuous line. One zoomer, age 11, even claimed that “this variation of the written language is somehow intellectually and culturally superior to standard manuscript.”
Some have claimed that it doesn’t make much sense to pride oneself on doing things ‘the old fashioned way.’
Enough about cars though… millennials and zoomers are fighting back by creating a new language that is challenging their elder’s ability to comprehend the way they communicate every day.
This evolution of the written language has been commonly referred to as “emojis.” What exactly is an “emoji?”
a small digital image or icon used to express an idea, emotion, etc.
From the perspective of signalling theory, the main obstacle to the evolution of language-like communication in nature is not a mechanistic one. Rather, it is the fact that symbols—arbitrary associations of sounds or other perceptible forms with corresponding meanings—are unreliable and may well be false. As the saying goes, “words are cheap”. The problem of reliability was not recognized at all by Darwin, Müller or the other early evolutionary theorists.
Many baby boomers have been known to confuse the crying emoji for ‘crying of laughter’ emoji. Many have seen boomers make this mistake more often, but never in this context. Even if it were the crying 😢 emoji, it would still be a tasteless way to inform family of your son’s death.
Some zoomers are reportedly making their own emojis.. and millennials are following suit, causing the iPhone keyboard to become even more popular.
I cannot doubt that language owes its origin to the imitation and modification, aided by signs and gestures, of various natural sounds, the voices of other animals, and man’s own instinctive cries.
Charles Darwin, 1871. The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex
Picture this: you and your friends are driving down the freeway. You have your phone plugged in, music playlist on blast, maybe watching a YouTube video or two. Amidst the enjoyment you see that dreaded red battery icon. Don’t panic! There’s a lifehack to fix that up in no time!
Following these steps may help fix the dreaded dead-phone-in-the-car predicament that we all fear. Disclaimer: your car make/model may effect the results listed below. Your mileage may vary (pun DEFINITELY intended).
Plug your phone into the cigarette lighter socket.
Put your car into park.
Roll down all the windows.
Switch the transmission into the worthless “N” position.
Rev your engine.
Like magic, your phone’s battery will shoot up to 100% in no time!
Until now, the “N” position seemed pretty pointless, huh? You’d step on the gas and nothing happens. Well we finally cracked the code. In fact, some drivers reported that the harder they pressed on the gas the brighter ALL the phone screens in the car got.
There’s really nothing worse than cruising around without your favorite apps only to find out that the car is sucking battery life from all devices inside of it. Hopefully this lifehack helps you avoid the sinister fate many phones suffer when pulled out during those long drives.
Swiss Scientists at the University of Zurich have discovered a latent gene found in orange tabbies that may indicate an undiscovered cat species. The new breed that they’re calling “Crabby Tabbies” have quickly taken a spotlight on instagram for their adorable whiskers and cute tails. Take a look:
Isn’t that just the cutest thing? The Zurich genetics department were quick to “the ‘gram” with these little things. Following the announcement of this new cat species influencers swarmed adoption agencies to snag a Crabby Tabby for themselves. Look, they even suckle the faucet:
Alessandro Isler, a graduate student of Zurich University, coined the name “Crabby Tabby” to describe the disposition of these new creatures. He states, “These strange little things have a way about them that is indescribable. One moment they are sitting upon the bed aloof and the next moment they are active and slightly irritable.” In any event, we’re loving this new breed. Consider us #teamcrabby!
16 WiFi passwords is honestly a lot… researchers at Harvard have recently proven that that WiFi passwords say more about you than many of the other things psychologists use to assess personalities, so this insight really gives us a really good look into an often overlooked culture.