Not My Tiger King

Though reluctant at first, I, not unlike you reading this, sought distraction from the bleak state of affairs (we’re all gonna die) by indulging in a half-dozen hours of Netflix’s true crime documentary series, Tiger King. It is non-fiction, though it perhaps could be better described as a soap opera, if it weren’t so goddamned dirty. I found myself wanting to shower between episodes.

At first, I was like

But then, I was like

Speaking of dirty, our story’s protagonist, Joe Exotic, is a version of Joe Dirt that enjoys getting the poo on himself. Exotic is like if poppers were a person. He’s Andy (with a padlock hanging from his) Dick, channeling an emo Garth Brooks persona.

Joe Exotic wasn’t conceived as much as he was sprouted from the seeds of life that were spilled onto the floor of the theater Pee Wee Herman was arrested in. Some say Joe is a timeless being, that he was present at the creation of Adam, leaning into the ear of God at the last minute to whisper “you should put the g spot in his butt.” Yep, that was all Joe.

Joe seemingly balances effeminate homosexuality with toxic masculinity. I picture him slapping a hole in the drywall when he gets angry. The straightest thing about him is his innate disdain for women. He is an overt narcissist who smothers anyone that gets close enough with selfish intentions, to the point of suffocattion. Rest easy, Travis. Joe drove that kid to suicide and didn’t even need to stop for directions. He made the funeral about himself and his shitty country music, which are three words that feel redundant as I type them.

All sleaze aside, Joe’s most egregious atrocities are his crimes against Tigers. Anyone tweeting in support of freeing this abuser should have to do so from a tiger cage. Fuck. Outta. Here.

Not to downplay the severity of hiring a crackhead to kill Carole Baskin, that was definitely not chill and possibly even problematic. However, if you’ve made it this far, you probably accept the idea presented in the documentary that Carole killed her millionaire husband and fed him to a tiger. Why not believe that? We’re stuck inside, what else are we supposed to do? If I valued rich people the same way I do tigers, perhaps my brow would be raised a little higher to the issue, but it’s gonna be a “meh” from me, dog. As far as I’m concerned, cats can have little a Carole’s husband, as a treat.

This clown lady and her sporadic Joker laughter aren’t as devious as the animal-killing men who plotted against her. She is probably only the fifth worst person in this story and hearing her be called bitch so gratuitously was a bit cringe, murderer or not. I do think her current husband should find a spine and some individuality, but he most likely doesn’t want any trouble.

Jeff Lowe answers the question “what if a Godsmack song became a real boy?” and exudes big “did you cum, babe?” energy. No, Jeff, babe didn’t cum. You tricked her into loving you by exploiting baby animals, like the other cultish, polygamist lowlifes highlighted in this shit-show of humanity. 

Doc Antle was more worthy of murder-by-crackhead based on his cub euthanizing practices alone. He is a predator and a pervert. Imagine being a teenaged girl who just wants to help animals, only to be manipulated and conned out of your virginity by fat Marlon Brando from The Island of Dr. Moreau. Hey Siri, remind me in 10 minutes to throw up in my mouth a little.

Adding to the garbage heap is ginger Chumlee, who just seems to pop up in the story to fill the role of snitch. 

There were a few solid humans that genuinely cared for the animals and didn’t make me root for Coronavirus. I think Saff was one of the only real men interviewed. I also enjoyed Ed Hardy legs; he’s like if Lieutenant Dan bought his limbs at Hot Topic. 

I offer my gratitude and appreciation for the downplayed bystanders that protected and loved the cats. It’s relieving to see some light amid all the darkness this tale is shrouded in. Overall, however, I still walk away feeling like a majority of the people in this story deserved to be murdered. This series is reminiscent of Shameless- a polished production focusing on the type of people in my family I avoid having political discussions with because they aren’t allowed to vote- made for normies to enjoy from a safe distance, as if these type of toxic people are the wild animals that warrant distance and caution. 

I think the summation of this is that we enjoy watching Tiger King for the same reason we enjoy eating McDonald’s: because we’re stupid pieces of shit, but that’s just me, an optomist. I’m joking, mostly. God bless America and all the cool cats and kittens that call it home. It is definitely a champagne and brie kind of evening.

Scientists Determine Your Bed Is 75% More Comfortable On Tuesday, November 3rd

After ongoing double-blind studies, sleep scientists at UC Berkeley are confident in their data pointing towards a spike in sleeping comfort on one particular day of the year. Gail Owens, who has been leading the team since 2007, is responsible for this breakthrough pointing towards November 3rd as being the “most comfortable morning to sleep in and stay in bed all day”.

SLATTUM Upholstered bed frame - Knisa light gray - IKEA
“We heavily urge all Americans to stay in bed and relish this discovery on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020” – Gail Owens

What is pointing towards Tuesday, November 3rd is yet to be determined but the research team is heavily advising everyone to take advantage of it:

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity that we’re advising everyone to take advantage of. Staying in bed all day on November 3rd is the best opportunity for that particular day. This issue is bigger than we will ever know and it’s time for all of us to act.

Gail Owens, chief sleep specialist.

While the most universally comfortable stay-in-bed day was determined to be November 3rd, the research team at Berkeley pointed to several days that affected individual subjects. These resulted in a 15% – 48% increase in full day bed comfortability. Owens mentioned Subject 397 who (despite being scheduled for jury duty on October 17th) found a net-increase of 41% in their overall bed comfort that day.

The date Tuesday, November 3rd, however, seems to point to a universal correlation in all-day relaxation. Citizens are heavily urged to stay indoors and specifically in bed. Although, preliminary research is ongoing regarding the relief of a nice warm bath on Tuesday, November 3rd.

Quarantining as a Pirate

Yesterday my roommate Alexa gave a pirate outfit , which was so nice of her. My life has changed in a lot of ways since then. Today I will share my story and explain to you how a Pirate copes with quarantine and social distancing.

A normal morning

My day started like any other. I got a professional hair cut for free. My roommate Kathlyn is a stylist and she was very nice to do this. A lot of people don’t have that luxury but I do and I try to remain cognizant of my haircut privilege and also that I am a pirate.

Self care is for pirates, too!

I remembered I had some box dye and a mask so I went all in after my haircut. Pirate spa day! I sent this photo to this guy I like and he said I look like Fiona. I am a pirate! Not an ogre! I had to wait awhile for my dye and mask to set so I decided to take some sexy photos. Here’s one I thought looked really sexy.

Extremely Hot.

Then I took a lot of edibles. My roommate had some sour gummies and I ate five of them. Then I smoked a whole joint alone and played Animal Crossing: New Horizons for a little while.

I like the blue ones.

As a pirate in quarantine it is important to keep your mind sharp and cut down on screen time. I thought maybe playing with my pirate ship or Harry Potter chess might help. I was right, and it was awesome. My roommate Emily gave me some hot tips about puzzle strategy which helped a lot.

The Harry Potter Chess set is collectible.

In summary, being in quarantine is really hard. I want to have sex and make irrational decisions at bars during the work week. I want to get a gym membership I won’t use. There’s so much missing in a pirate’s life while landlocked. The little things help. Look at this dinner my roommate Kathlyn made! I know I’ll have to one up her when it’s my turn but for now, I will happily enjoy this buried treasure.

I really liked it.

I will keep you updated on my journey. You are also welcome to subscribe to my onlyfans account by subscribing to @onlypirate. For now, walk the plank, mateys.

My Roommate Alexa Gave Me A Pirate Outfit

My roommate Alexa was cleaning out her closet. She is the hot bartender at that one east side venue. She gave me a few other things but the most important thing was this, my cool pirate outfit.

My pirate outfit given to me by Alexa. It was kind of her to do that.

I like being a pirate. I look cool and sexy. I decided to throw on “Pirates of the Caribbean” while I drink a White Claw and ate lunch but it wasn’t on Netflix and Disney+ isn’t working on our very old Roku.

Pirates sometimes fire cannons and guns when threatened.

I decided to settle for something else pirate-centric on Netflix and searched “pirate” on the app. Something called “The Pirate Fairy” came up and I got so excited. I clicked it and an error message popped up saying there was a payment issue so I just went to Hulu and put on some political sketch comedy for background noise.

Pirates love all different kinds of food.

Last night I made baked ziti for my roommates, including Alexa. She said she really liked it. Hopefully that’s true. I heated these leftovers up because I was too lazy to make a sandwich. Then I realized there weren’t any clean forks so I used chopsticks.

It tasted really good.

I am pretty full now and a full pirate is a sleepy pirate. I may take a nap or something. I am going to make an onlyfans account later. Now that I am a pirate I am thinking I will have a niche. Anyway, I am off to find treasure booty.

UPDATE: Follow me on onlyfans for more pirate content @midcenturyboner.

Unemployed in the Apocalypse: Why Not Trade School?

“Maybe you could work in a trade?” I can hear my mother pleading from her modest home in suburban Wisconsin. It’s 2023 and I still don’t have the credits to graduate from community college. There have been 37,500 deaths in metro Atlanta and I am a twenty-nine year old single woman with a four month sublease and no degree.

The pandemic turned fall of Western Civilization as we know it has changed everything, except me. I still drink myself to sleep. I still google online therapy once every month or so. I dropped out of school again. I still call my ex.

But you know what? I am thinking about getting a welding certification. “The world will always need trades people,” I confidently announce to the four other people at the once crowded bars I insist on frequenting. There are nods and groans of agreement. “At least that much hasn’t changed.”

“There are a few good programs still out there,” I explain to my father, who has had to sell nearly all of his possessions just to keep his household afloat while still managing to lend me $20 every few weeks for cigarettes and miraculously, Arby’s.

Bernie Sanders is running for office in 2024, and this time there’s no way he is going to lose. Student loans will be a non-issue by the time I enroll in a certification program at what’s left of the Atlanta Technical College. I hear we might even get the checks we were promised in the beginning of the outbreak.

“I could do sculpting in my spare time outside of work, too. Remember how I used to be an artist?” I enthusiastically explain my new scheme to my mother. There is a silence and then finally a breath.

“Please stop calling me.” Her voice is cracking but I know she’ll be proud of me. One day, as I repair the worlds last working radiator (or whatever), it will all have been worth it.

-Kat Jimenez

Atlanta’s Gay Coke Bars That Also Serve Pizza

1. Jack’s Pizza

Smoke illegally!

Jack’s pizza is a local favorite for smoking inside despite the ban, doing cocaine until 4am, and using Grindr to meet up with people at neighboring establishments. Not many people realize they also serve pizza! Try the “Jason” which has mac and cheese and hot dog toppings. Or don’t, you’re really high. Chain smoke in the back for now and maybe order something next time.

2. Cameli’s Pizza

The famous Cameli’s “Monster Slice”

Home of Atlanta’s monster slice, this gay coke bar has many food offerings. “The Prince” is a delicious slice with a creamy garlic sauce base, chicken, onions and mozzarella. The largest food item on this list, it’s probably a bit much right now for your waning appetite, but it’ll be a great Instagram picture. Let everyone know just how gay and hungry you are with the tag #monsterslice.

The pizza is really just okay.

3. Argosy

For a more high end cocaine fueled gay pizza experience, try Argosy in East Atlanta Village. Brick oven style pizza and flatbread pair well with the large beer and cocktail selection, which you will certainly be grateful for after your fourth trip to the bathroom. Leave the flatbread you ordered on the table, it was mostly a place holder. The hostess will be annoyed but there’s nothing she can say if you keep telling her you’re “still working on it.”

Buy a slice for Digger, a local favorite personality. He also loves root beer.

4. Savage Pizza

Located in the heart of historic Little Five Points, right besides gay coke clothing and record store Junkman’s Daughter, sits Savage Pizza. The meat lover’s specialty pie is highly recommended by the local LGBTQ, homeless, and college football communities. Why not do a key bump with a closeted Auburn fan? The world is your gay oyster.

If you’re lucky the corporate team will be on their lunch break reading manga.

5. Arby’s on Howell Mill Rd

While a less traditional part of this list, it’s truly a secret treasure. Close to Arby’s corporate and local breweries, the place is swarming with bears. The pizza slider is a small and affordable bite, and gives you a great excuse to sit in the bathroom for half an hour, manically railing lines off of your phone before you head back to Urban Tree Cidery to meet up with the otter you met an hour ago at Monday Night Brewing Company.

Best Kansas City BBQ Spots to Text Your Ex-Fiancé

Slaps BBQ sells cheesy corn in many sizes.

1. Slaps BBQ

This restaurant was featured on “Burgers, Brews, & ‘Que” and that’s why you thought he would love it. You wish he could be here, you know what he would order – the brisket, as featured on the Food Network. You can’t bring yourself to try it without him, and can hardly stand to be in this line alone. The fluorescent lighting is harsh and everyone can see the tears welling up. Order your gallon of cheesy corn for $33.95 and Uber back to the Sheraton honeymoon suite by yourself.

Buy a gift set of sauces just in case he calls.

2. Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que

Known for its ribs and being a gas station, Joe’s is one of the quintessential barbeque places in Kansas City. Foodies and tourists consistently name it as a favorite. It was the perfect place to bring him. You’re here to experience the food on your own now, you don’t need company to enjoy things. The plate of burnt ends, while reasonably priced, is a bit much for you. Usually he would finish what you couldn’t, and you dump your half eaten food away in shame.

“Pickles are a required accessory,” – Old Artie Bryant

3. Arthur Bryant’s

You heard the sausage was one of the best things on the menu, and you’re looking forward to it. That cheesy corn didn’t sit right last night and you really need something solid on your stomach. As soon you receive your food, you lose your appetite. There he is all over again, between two buns that aren’t yours. Pull out your phone, send a “wave” emoji, turn it off. Leave the sausage on the table. Walk away like he did at the altar.

The secret menu’s “Meat Mountain” is honestly what you need right now.

4. Arby’s

Be honest, you don’t even like BBQ that much, but you had all the hotel reservations and nothing else to do but explain to your family why you got a refund on the catering and venue. Order 5 roast beef sandwiches for $10 and douse them in Arby’s sauce. The staff understands better than your bridesmaids. Kansas City was the last place you thought you would spend this special weekend but you were doing it for him. Now only Arby is here, and maybe that’s for the best, unless… Just text him and ask how he’s holding up?

Why didn’t you just stay home? This didn’t make you feel better.

5. Gates Bar-B-Q

The line is long, the meat is tough, and the sauce is ketchup, but it was the last stop on his list of Kansas City BBQ restaurants he always dreamed of visiting. Why couldn’t it be LA taco trucks? Why couldn’t everything be different? Send him a picture of the burnt ends sandwich, so loaded with sauce it’s almost a high school cafeteria sloppy joe, say “Wish you were here!” and then turn your phone off. There should be at least a pint of cheesy corn left in the mini fridge at the hotel. You’re weeping softly again, but no one sees, no one asks.

the cat and the snowman v2.0 / bloomberg article

The Internet – a conservative wasteland or world of abstract sadness?

As politics and memes have increasingly started to overlap, an accelerated online dialog has been born. This birth has acted as a centrifugal force, polarizing communities and generating a superposition of ideas responsible for shaping millennial politics worldviews – be it through memes and their cultural significance or political fringe groups occupying IRL spaces.

Such a superposition has seemed to allow a large body of ideas to exist in a liminal state for better or for worse. We will refer to this superposition as “birony.”

As this inter-dimensional, hyper-psychological space unravels and reality continues to dissolve, trickle down economics has ensnared yet another facet of our mind’s various realities. We have been calling it Trickle ALL the Way Down Economics, as the ruling class’ attempts controlling the general public have become increasingly insidious. They have begun to find their way into niche meme and other obscure communities (even though memes aren’t technically economic, they actually are) — insidious threads of power are taking root in otherwise previously less tainted, avant-garde communities.

The use of birony is what allows this phenomenon to exist – very real ideas and implications are able to be shrouded behind a veil of uncertainty; drowned out as white noise while their tendrils dig into the American collective subconscious.

Surreal humor highlights the utter absurdity of all of this; that is, the inter-galactic cartoon that is American society and politics. Someone with dementia could very well be debating an entity that is a symbolic archetype of a group of people whose minds have been infected by dissonance. This dissonance, or fractured psychological framework we can call it, has been resurrected in the form of what we now know as “Donald Trump.” The shadow of the American Jungian shadow, an ancient and esoteric demonic force in carnal form.

Lila Rasa – what is real and what isn’t? We are amidst a psychological and cultural phenomenon unbeknownst to any previous generation: the derealization of 300 million living beings, the loss of a shared subconscious, the tangible diminishment of the ability to bond through love.

Dissociation would be a better alternative to this; to a fully derealized world. As we continue to de-realize, we are becoming progressively transparent. That is, we are disappearing. With dissociation, at least, we would still have some form of a heart and refuse to be exploited or controlled.

Truth is becoming a scarcer and scarcer commodity as the world is plagued with misinformation, making it so easy for poor people with clout to sell out to Bloomberg or anything similar online. Truth and values are essentially worthless now, leaving us that much more vulnerable to exploitation by the ruling class.

The exploitation of working class, blue collar meme makers and content creators. The ones who get home from a long day of shoveling coal and just want to make a meme or two. The ones who, all too often overlooked, are forced to choose between paying for the membership in the Worker’s Union instead of their cell phone and Internet bill.

The Mandela Affect is also real, and conservative memers are claiming to remember Tank Sinatra posting a different racist meme in 2012 on Twitter. The meme they claim to remember was actually an image _____ redacted

this is a good point to go off of and can segue into tanks racism. Nothing Really Matters And Neither Do My Racist Tweets

Surrealists have rejected the idea that advanced capitalism’s apparent successes—such as technological advancement, increased income in a correlated logarithm representing the rung of class, and increased leisure—could ever outweigh the social dysfunction and degradation of everyday life that it simultaneously inflicted

yes, while the memes seem innocuous at first they carry a sinister capitalistic message under the illusion of a joke we can shrug off. we’re accustomed to a bombardment of visual jokes during our free time that mind worms like the Bloomberg debacle carry potential to implant themselves. granted, that failed. the attempted covert nature of them was immediately discovered and what once was a boomer’s attempt at pantomiming the spirit of the times was replaced by a list of names responsible for their production

right they serve as an example of birony’s crumbling fringes. something like burning down applebees does not. the media saw it as a direct call to action rather than a critique of “millennials are killing INSERT FAST CASUAL CHAIN” is good to have things like the bloomer memes because it demonstrates the flexibility of the concept. and its limitations

While it may seem the fact that they were so fucking bad actually hurts our initial argument of birony — we now live in a world where nothing is real, and can see the truth about how they actually serve as an example of birony’s crumbling fringes. something like burning down applebees does not. the media saw it as a direct call to action rather than a critique of “millennials are killing INSERT FAST CASUAL CHAIN” articles.