Single Cop with No Children Settles for Beating Meat

NEW YORK — Sergeant John DeGregorio, 39, of NYPD’s 68th precinct in Brooklyn returned home to an empty apartment Friday evening after a family court judge ruled in favor of his ex-wife, Gloria DeGregorio, awarding her sole custody of their two teenage sons.

“I’ve been a cop for 15 years, ever since we had our first boy. It’s always been pretty stressful, but Gloria was always there waiting for me when I got home,” noted DeGregorio. “When she finally escaped, I had to sit my boys down and let them know they were gonna have to step up. Now that they’re gone too, it’s like I don’t even know what to do with my hands.”

DeGregorio’s partner, Sergeant Lori O’Hare, 43, said the aftermath of the divorce included at least one instance of DeGregorio bringing his home to work with him.

“The motherfucker actually took a swing at me,” O’Hare recounted. “Partners for 13 years and he’s never so much as let out a fart upwind, but as soon as that broad is outta the picture, he tries to take it out on me. As if I don’t have enough problems with CPS up my ass, I gotta show up to a hostile work environment too? Fuck that shit. With two perfectly resilient young boys at home, there was just no excuse for that kinda behavior.”

Following Monday’s unfavorable custody ruling, DeGregorio’s general practitioner Dr. Damien Ju expressed concern over the NYPD hero’s chosen method of alternative stress relief.

“I’ve seen it at least a hundred times before. Cop loses his wife and kids, stress builds up, and not a week later the penis starts to look like something out of a Chernobyl snuff film,” said Dr. Ju. “Of course, I always recommend investing in a silicone-based lubricant, and they always respond that they’re not a fucking [homophobic slur].”

In response to an inquiry about Sgt. DeGregorio’s fitness for duty, a spokesperson for the NYPD told members of the press that no formal complaints have ever been filed against DeGregorio for misconduct, assuring us that the 68th precinct’s paper shredder is properly maintained and fully functional.

By John Merrifield

Twitter: @jbmerrifield

Militarized Police Leads To Homeless Police, Study Reveals

PALO ALTO, CA — Sure, all cops are bastards, but they could soon all be homeless bastards. According to a recent study conducted by my own eyeballs, it appears that the more we militarize the police, the likelier the chance of them becoming homeless.

“The chances go up about 100%,” says a different person with eyeballs I asked. They conducted their study the same as me: by just driving around different cities in America and seeing how many homeless people are also Veterans. “They’re literally everywhere. Hell, if we militarized the Boy Scouts, they’d probably end up homeless too. It doesn’t really matter who it is; everyone who is militarized ends up on the streets,” they concluded in affirmation.

As a Veteran myself, I have to say, I hope the study is correct. It sure would be nice to be driving and see a sign that says “Homeless Cop” instead of “Homeless Vet” for a change. If you really “support the troops,” you probably agree: Homeless Vet bad. Homeless Cop good.

Defund the police? Not if we wanna solve the problem long-term. Honestly, if you’re a protestor, maybe the smartest thing to do is to just try and outlast the cops, like that episode of The Simpsons when Homer is a boxer and just lets everyone punch him until they’re too tired.

For now, it’s just a waiting game. So hang in there, wear your masks, and remember: at least you have experience being poor. Imagine being new to it.

Man Wearing Fake Mustache to Mail Ballot Doesn’t Understand Voter Fraud

Omaha, NE — Mike Vamosi, 37, spoke to reporters while walking to the mail dropbox down the street from his apartment complex with a large fake mustache glued to his upper lip.

“I’m so sick of these libs thinking that mail-in-voting is safe and secure. I’m about to prove them wrong,” Vamosi whispered while peeking over his shoulder. “It’s just not possible! I could be anyone and nobody’s gonna check my I.D. or nothing! Watch this.”

Vamosi then began to whistle loudly in a failed attempt to appear nonchalant as he approached the mail dropbox.

“Yep, here I am! Herschel Davidson! Just doing my civic duty and casting my vote!” Vamosi shouted to no one. “Herschel Davidson is my dead step-dad,” Vamosi silently said as he giggled, which suddenly evolved into full-blown sobbing.

“Look!” said Vamosi, holding his ballot envelope in front of him while wiping away a tear. “It says my name ‘Mike Vamosi,’ but as you can see, I don’t look like me anymore! I even signed this envelope and everything!” he said before dropping his ballot in the dropbox and winking to no one. 

Vamosi then cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted “Welp! Time for me to go home, kick back with a hard seltzer, and watch some good ol’ CNN!” directly into the mail slot as if drunkenly ordering Taco Bell on foot in the drive-thru. He then performed an about-face and raised his hand as if to hi-five, before realizing he was alone.

Sources confirm that the mustache was made using real mustache hairs he harvested from his late step-dad’s corpse after a long, drawn out battle with mesothelioma.

Troops Deployed to Local Chuck E. Cheese after Civil Unrest in the Ball Pit

MILKWAUKEE – Charles Entertainment Cheese, the ringleader of one of America’s beloved franchised wastelands, has incited violence in a local ballpit by displaying fascist behavior. The leader of the organization has long been an advocate for cutting corners with the business budget by not sanitizing the plastic balls and automating what could otherwise be quality entertainment.

“Nobody wants to see a mechanical fucking rat playing bullshit music to children man, not even the kids want to see that shit and honestly all it does is scare me and my friends.”

A random 5 year old.

The US Military surrounds the extremely depressing business locale.

I digress – The reign of Charles I has slowly descended from a once functioning democracy into the rabid throes of tyrannical law. The law was passed not even 24 hours before unrest broke out: all the balls are to be replaced with red balls. Liberals and Democrats will die before letting their beloved ball pit be homogenized, thus stripped of cultural equity and historical accuracy. All tickets earned are to be fed back into the machine and redistributed. The Ticket is no longer “yours” – the ticket is “ours.” Individuals have been stripped of their sovereign right to decide what prize they want. Is it Communism? Yes. Is it also a Dictatorship? Yes. I.e. the farthest thing from Plato’s Republic and a true wasteland governed by a collective incubus reincarnated as the “president of Chuck E. Cheese.”

Charles Entertainment Cheese.

Charles Entertainment Cheese has disguised it all as a “playground for patriots,” empowering right wing ski ballers to colonize a once sacred place to play. The new Chuck E. Cheese – a colonialist nightmare devoid of cultural integrity.

Political theorists have speculated another two centuries before the inevitable decay of government type reaches its rock bottom and a new era of Charles is ushered in – an era of autocracy and a thriving economy with a robust middle, working class.

An era where the games aren’t complete shit and the consumers have an actual reason to live.

Democracy is no longer a threat; an era where the value of the 20th centuries ever so precious Ticket is restored. An era where one can realistically hit the slots and go home that same day with an oversized blue elephant stuffed animal or cool remote control car.

Christ Returns in Full Riot Gear

WASHINGTON — It appears the Lord and Savior of white American Christian men all over the world made his triumphant return Monday evening at Pennsylvania Ave., and boy did he come correct. Mr. H. Christ himself even took a moment to address the crowd of protestors gathered on the Mall, fielding questions about his timing and choice of attire, as well as shamelessly promoting his book.

“Well, if you read Matthew, I think it was in chapter 7 where I’m like ‘Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that they should do to you, do ye even so to them’ or some shit like that. Not gonna lie, I was pretty baked at the time,” Christ spoke thusly. “Anyhow, it looks to me like the people guarding this fortress behind me intend to do so with force. So, based on what I think I said back in the gap, let’s just say I’m ready to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s,” he concluded to thunderous applause. He then attempted a stage dive, only to land on his feet like a cat, lightly dancing on the heads of protestors on the way to the Reflecting Pool where he demonstrated one of his greatest hits.

Self-proclaimed ANTIFA Comrade-in-Chief addresses protestors on the Mall in D.C.

Anti-fascist protestors on the scene seemed taken aback, but also quite validated, by the overall appearance of the GOP mascot.

“As soon as we heard the trumpets, we freaked the fuck out. We thought it was another wave of ska,” one protestor told reporters. “Then all of the sudden, here comes J-Chrizzy, cruising down Pennsylvania Avenue in a beat-up Kia and combat armor.”

The President plans to hold his own press conference as soon as the bunker WiFi is back up and running. Meanwhile, QAnon message boards are already abuzz with related conspiracy theories, one of which birthed the hashtag “#WalkOnWaterGate.”

“My aunt was undercover in the crowd posing as a member of Grantifa,” said a comment by username ChemJongTrail45. “She’s pretty sure this imposter already had a pair of transparent platform shoes waiting at the pool’s edge to help create the illusion of a miracle.”

Famed U2 rocker Bono, introducing himself as the official Press Secretary of Heavenly Affairs, also took the stage to warn the crowd that the Rapture is still on the way, telling protesters and counter-protesters alike to prepare for a “Second, second coming.”

Yankee Candle Company Endorses Joe Biden With Candle That Smells Like Young Women’s Hair

Lady Hair, a scent by Yankee Candle.

Trump may have KFC, Chick-Fil-A, Home Depot, Goya, and every Love’s truck stop across the United States of America, but Joe Biden gets a big win with Yankee Candle Co.

“I think it’s a match made in coleslaw,” Joe Biden said Sunday morning. No one had any idea what he meant by that, but we think he’s saying it’s a good thing. “I’m just glad others can finally smell what I’ve been enjoying all these years,” said the old pervert. At least that sentence was coherent.

Anyway, we expect this race to get weirder and creepier, so let’s see who gets the Spencer’s Gifts endorsement over the next few weeks. My guess is Libertarian candidate Jo Jorgenson.