PALO ALTO, CA — Sure, all cops are bastards, but they could soon all be homeless bastards. According to a recent study conducted by my own eyeballs, it appears that the more we militarize the police, the likelier the chance of them becoming homeless.
“The chances go up about 100%,” says a different person with eyeballs I asked. They conducted their study the same as me: by just driving around different cities in America and seeing how many homeless people are also Veterans. “They’re literally everywhere. Hell, if we militarized the Boy Scouts, they’d probably end up homeless too. It doesn’t really matter who it is; everyone who is militarized ends up on the streets,” they concluded in affirmation.
As a Veteran myself, I have to say, I hope the study is correct. It sure would be nice to be driving and see a sign that says “Homeless Cop” instead of “Homeless Vet” for a change. If you really “support the troops,” you probably agree: Homeless Vet bad. Homeless Cop good.
Defund the police? Not if we wanna solve the problem long-term. Honestly, if you’re a protestor, maybe the smartest thing to do is to just try and outlast the cops, like that episode of The Simpsons when Homer is a boxer and just lets everyone punch him until they’re too tired.
For now, it’s just a waiting game. So hang in there, wear your masks, and remember: at least you have experience being poor. Imagine being new to it.
MILKWAUKEE – Charles Entertainment Cheese, the ringleader of one of America’s beloved franchised wastelands, has incited violence in a local ballpit by displaying fascist behavior. The leader of the organization has long been an advocate for cutting corners with the business budget by not sanitizing the plastic balls and automating what could otherwise be quality entertainment.
“Nobody wants to see a mechanical fucking rat playing bullshit music to children man, not even the kids want to see that shit and honestly all it does is scare me and my friends.”
A random 5 year old.
I digress – The reign of Charles I has slowly descended from a once functioning democracy into the rabid throes of tyrannical law. The law was passed not even 24 hours before unrest broke out: all the balls are to be replaced with red balls. Liberals and Democrats will die before letting their beloved ball pit be homogenized, thus stripped of cultural equity and historical accuracy. All tickets earned are to be fed back into the machine and redistributed. The Ticket is no longer “yours” – the ticket is “ours.” Individuals have been stripped of their sovereign right to decide what prize they want. Is it Communism? Yes. Is it also a Dictatorship? Yes. I.e. the farthest thing from Plato’s Republic and a true wasteland governed by a collective incubus reincarnated as the “president of Chuck E. Cheese.”
Charles Entertainment Cheesehas disguised it all as a “playground for patriots,” empowering right wing ski ballers to colonize a once sacred place to play. The new Chuck E. Cheese – a colonialist nightmare devoid of cultural integrity.
Political theorists have speculated another two centuries before the inevitable decay of government type reaches its rock bottom and a new era of Charles is ushered in – an era of autocracy and a thriving economy with a robust middle, working class.
An era where the games aren’t complete shit and the consumers have an actual reason to live.
Democracy is no longer a threat; an era where the value of the 20th centuries ever so precious Ticket is restored. An era where one can realistically hit the slots and go home that same day with an oversized blue elephant stuffed animal or cool remote control car.
Trump may have KFC, Chick-Fil-A, Home Depot, Goya, and every Love’s truck stop across the United States of America, but Joe Biden gets a big win with Yankee Candle Co.
“I think it’s a match made in coleslaw,” Joe Biden said Sunday morning. No one had any idea what he meant by that, but we think he’s saying it’s a good thing. “I’m just glad others can finally smell what I’ve been enjoying all these years,” said the old pervert. At least that sentence was coherent.
Anyway, we expect this race to get weirder and creepier, so let’s see who gets the Spencer’s Gifts endorsement over the next few weeks. My guess is Libertarian candidate Jo Jorgenson.
Ever since Barack Obama got elected in 2003, citizenship conspiracy theories have been all the rage. This trend has waned a tad in recent years yet is resurging due to bored constituents trapped at home during the coronavirus.
A coalition of high school Facebook hackers have recently uncovered Joe Biden’s original birth certificate (not the shitty copies they give your parents at the hospital).
If you’re anything like me, you’re mind is definitely fucking blown right now and you are also surprised by his middle name. Not only it is unamerican due to its feminine phonetic structure, it feels like a shitty marketing attempt on behalf of Baskin Robbins due to the overlapping and shared number of consonants.
An anonymous source close to the Biden campaign was rummaging through her husband’s desk for evidence of infidelity when she stumbled upon a manilla envelope labeled “Campagne Strategy.”
Never mind that Biden seems to believe “campaign” is spelled like “Champagne”, what she found inside the envelope was what could only be described as a politician’s reworking of the It’s Always Sunny episode in which the titular character lays out his detailed and premeditated predatory strategy for picking up women. Except Biden plans to use it on America.
Our source seemed suspiciously eager to hand over the folder and all of its disturbing contents, and it became a top priority to disseminate these documents to the public by way of this article.
The list that follows was compiled by Vice President Joseph Biden and does not reflect the views of this publication.
D – Demonstrate Value
Listen here, Jack. The first thing you gotta do is make them want you. And since I can’t do that, I gotta make them think they need me. All I have to do is the absolute bare minimum and it should be clear that I am the more qualified candidate in the race. Piece of cake. Next letter.
E – Engage Physically
Now pay attention, sister. I am fully aware that around 55% of America’s voters are women, which is perfect, because I connect with women. Women see me as a protector and long to be embraced by me. I’ve also found that A Friendly Sniff ™ of the neck initiates an intense wave of passionate peacefulness and trust, as it lets them know if anything bad happens to them, Uncle Joe is mobilized and tracking their scent.
N – Nurture Dependence
Here’s the deal, bucko. America doesn’t know what it needs. Doesn’t know what’s good for it. People wanna defund police, for Pete’s sake. I’m gonna have to constantly reinforce the idea that the people are lost sheep, and I am the shepherd come to lure them back to my home.
N – Neglect Emotionally
Now buckle up, Buster, because we ain’t there yet. My people on the inside tell me there’s a nasty pandemic on the way. This is where I’ll employ a little tough love. The world will be in a panic and looking for leadership, and America’s gonna want Papa Joe Joe to give ‘em the business. But too bad, because I’ll be completely unreachable. This way, they’ll understand they can’t get back on the highway to prosperity without a real man at the wheel.
I – Inspire Hope
Gotta hand it to my brotha Barack. That whole “hope” gimmick was nothing if not effective. After America is adequately destitute, I will resurface, and revealing my face with its soothing fatherly features should be all it takes to win them back. No reason to think I’ll have to actually do anything to help. That’s not my job. Not yet.
S – Separate Entirely
Now that voters know I’m not dead, it’s time to lay low until the election. Can’t say anything stupid if I don’t say anything at all. Best to play it safe and let Don keep shooting himself in the foot. It’s possible the media will spin it as a failure to lead in a time of crisis, but don’t get snarky, Sparky. They’re gonna thank me later.
As of the time of this publication, the Biden campaign has not returned our request for comment.
Everything has a price: from the ground under your feet to the words that come out of your mouth. Nowhere is this more true than on the black market. Occasionally a market will form, beneath the constant exchange of drugs and weapons, to cater to a more niche demand. Sometimes it is illegal pornography or murderers-for-hire, but today’s bumper crop may seem a bit innocuous by comparison: votes in the 2020 presidential election.
How much is your vote worth? Well, it depends. Are you in a swing state? Are you in an overrepresented electoral district? How close is the election at the moment? How many other people in your district are also offering their votes? All of these factors contribute to the final sticker price. Exceptionally “high quality” votes can net in excess of $500, but the average for swing state votes seems to have currently settled somewhere between $25 and $75, but experts say it is likely to increase as the election looms closer. This may seem high, but remember: selling a vote is a federal felony. Meth isn’t expensive because it is costly or difficult to make. It is expensive because if you get caught making it you will rot in jail for years. The same principle applies to votes.
“high quality” votes can net in excess of $500
What kind of person sells their vote? There is some history of Americans in extreme poverty selling their votes on the street for little more than a handle of vodka. However, these days most votes are sold online by young college students, and they are taking it very seriously. A typical vote sale might go something like this:
A student, let’s call him “Allen”, decides that he would like to sell his vote.
Allen uses the tor network to connect to a darknet marketplace specializing in electoral classifieds. Many such sites exist, with names like “VotesExchange” and “Cash4Prez”.
Allen makes a sale listing. He fills in his precinct, and the site auto-populates the page with demographic statistics and polling data that will be useful for potential buyers.
He sets his asking price based on the market rate that the website helpfully suggests. He is free to ask for more, but that is of course a gamble. As the election draws closer the value of his vote could fluctuate wildly. Allen decides to play it safe and price just below market rate for a quick sale.
A buyer sends an offer through the integrated bidding portal, and Allen accepts. The buyer pays and the money is held in escrow. Allen will have a predefined number of business days to submit a mail-in ballot for his buyer’s chosen candidate and furnish proof. Once he does so, an administrator will release the transaction and Allen will receive payment in cryptocurrency.
If vote fraud businesses of the past were like a grimy motel, today’s voter fraudsters are AirBnB. They are slick, professional, and possess a tech-savvyness borne from a childhood spent online. This is a far cry from the old days of busing homeless Americans to the polls in exchange for a meal.
We managed to contact one man who posted a vote for sale in Illinois. For obvious reasons he chose to remain pseudonymous. His name on the VoteListings virtual classifieds site is “JuryDuty”. In response to our private message asking for some background into his decision to sell his vote, he had this to say:
i just realized it doesnt fucking matter. what difference does it make who i vote for? theyre all dipshits. if i can get $40 its gone its getting cold here and my gas bill is expensive as fuck. i care about being warm more than i care about which billionaire gets to be chief bigshit of the jackoff party. i figured out how to register at my old adress so i can probably mail in there too. just give me money i dont give a fuck lmfaa
Jury declined to provide any more information on his background, but looking at other users’ account aliases paints a startling picture: “FannieMaesCunt”, “UCONNisaCON”, “PayMyDebtPls”. Biography sections on user’s accounts frequently make reference to student loan debt and high cost of living. In many ways we seem to be witnessing a response to the desperate circumstances in which many young Americans find themselves.
Perhaps this attitude of hopelessness was best summarized by JuryDuty’s response to my asking what it would take for him to see value in his vote.
maybe if i could vote for mitch mconnel to blow his head off with a shotgun then sure i guess that would be worth voting for
Artificial Intelligence is everywhere in 2020; self driving cars rely on AI to make logical decisions in real-world situations, facial recognition by a police state is a heated debate in the media, and now AI is able to assess voter demographics based on physical appearance.
While the diverse population of the United States nearly reaches 330 million, computers are able to break down statistics and scale it with known data. This is exactly how an AI trained with cutting edge machine learning protocol managed to develop a summed image of the average Trump voter…
And it kind of resembles corn.
The program was designed by Alexandre H., a small-time programmer working in R&D labs around the Cambridge area. She fed the AI data sourced from gerrymandered datasets of the entire USA.
Gerrymandering is a useful tool used by politicians to divide votes amongst large portions of land. For instance, take a look at Pennsylvania’s map. The bulk of Pennsylvania comprises of hills, forests, and highways while PA’s main population lies on the Eastern and Western borders. Thanks to gerrymandering the rolling farmland is given an equal congressional vote as the high density cities are. Cool!
It’s always difficult to see the “hidden data” that eludes us normal people. Thankfully AI is constantly working to make developments in how we understand the world. Knowing that corn is given an equal opportunity in having its voice heard is refreshing. Thanks AI!
“Evolutionary pressure is causing rudimentary self-awareness in the older population.”
Consciousness, most scientists argue, is not a universal property of all matter in the universe. Rather, consciousness is restricted to a subset of animals with relatively complex brains. The more scientists study animal behavior and brain anatomy, however, the more universal consciousness seems to be.
This then begs the question: are people “pretending to be boomers” on the internet holding up a mirror to this cursive loving, 55+ population? Is the self beginning to recognize the self? Are insane memes about “libtard snowflake bull” acting as an absurd foundation for bootstrapping consciousness in this older population?
Bicameralism (the condition of being divided into “two-chambers”) is a hypothesis in psychology that argues that the human mind once operated in a state in which cognitive functions were divided between one part of the brain which appears to be “speaking”, and a second part which listens and obeys — a bicameral mind.
source: Yahoo Answers
Has this theory of the bicameral mind extended beyond itself into a broader cultural context? Is the constant stream of “boomer shitposts” speaking, and the older generation listening?
Darwin is probably rolling over in his grave right about now.
Here at D.E. we have been pondering this philosophical impasse greatly, and found ourselves wondering if content creators having infused this level of absurdity into low-tier, often effortless square images has thrown nature for a loop. One recent article about the ecological perspective of challenges and opportunities for baby boomers suggests yes, this could indeed be the case.
In conclusion, the online war that has been waged by millennials against Zoomers & Boomers seems to be having unintended side effects.
What are your thoughts on this thought provoking, politically challenging issue?
2020: the year of the 2020 election and the year of amazing new emojis.
Emoji 13.0 will include the “asshole spreading” emoji as well, however. We were quite shocked when we saw this unique emoji buried amongst many others in Emojipedia’s newest keyboard library release.
Many Americans have been joking for years that the asshole spreading gesture should have been an emoji by now. If you are one of them, you are in luck. Thanks to innovative emoji designers who have been pushing hard for progressive, PG-13 keyboard icons, the day has finally come!
You can see the official statement from Emojipedia on their Twitter. They have also posted an article about every upcoming emoji on their blog.