The Return of Applebees: A Millennial’s Playground

Millennials grew up in a world full of questions. Did Bush do story time on September 11th, 2001? Did Israel really kill millions of kale plants as the most vegan country on earth? Was the moon landing really broadcast in black and white when the government had the science to make color film widely available?

The most difficult of these questions lies in what at first appears as a trivial matter:

Does Applebee’s go hard?

The answer, which appears to be an unequivocal yes, is “Yes.”

Applebee’s began as a small, humble operation in the heart of Boise. When Tim Apple and Alicia Bee met at a Cinnabon in 1948 the chemistry was instant. Their connection sparked what would become a neighborhood restaurant for neighborhoods across the country. I sat down with them at the world’s largest Applebee’s in the heart of Bushwick.

Alicia is virtuallly blind and Tim suffers from severe Alzheimer’s, but they both joyfully recall their first few years in operation.

“The invention of the microwave changed everything!” Alicia exclaims. Tim groans in confusion and agreement.

KJ: So what inspired you to pursue an endeavor like this?

Tim: There isn’t enough helium to sustain the dema-
Alicia, interrupting: Well we lived in what was a small, rural community at the time. Boise is now a booming city of fine dining and industry, but when we began there was nowhere to go to meet people or get to know your neighbors. We sought to fill that void.

KJ: So this was sort of a grass roots thing? Did you start off with a chef or are these home recipes?

Tim: The presidential election and impeachment trial is a divisive distraction to force peo-
Alicia: Most of our recipes are passed down through our families. Our 2 for $20 entreés were all taught to me by Tim’s mother. She was a wizard with the microwave and a total inspiration.

Tim Apple whipped up some of his famous shrimp fettuccini for the interview

KJ: When did you decide to go national?

Alicia: We wanted to bring our hometown feel to the rest of the country- everyone deserves to feel like the-
Tim: 5g is causing cancer in children wh-
Alicia: Honey, please. Everyone deserves to feel like they are eating good.

KJ: When did you notice young people getting more interested in your establishments?

Alicia: Within the last year our $1 monthly drinks have brought in a-
Tim: The economy has eaten itself and millennials can barely affor-

That was all the time our guests had to answer questions, but as they left arm in arm our staffed couldn’t help but smile. Tim led his octogenarian partner into traffic, and the keen listening she provided somehow saved them from a devastating impact.

Many Applebees locations will offer sports betting kiosks on each table- one of Alicia Bee’s favorite pastimes

The fire of their passion for eating good burns on in all of us, and is also legal and encouraged in every bathroom and dumpster on their property nationwide. Reporting from Applebee’s in Bushwick, this is K. Jimenez, despite everything

An Interview With John Trulli, The CEO of Cringe, aka Cabbage Cat Memes

Interviewer: What exactly does being the CEO of cringe mean to you? How did you become the CEO of cringe?

Google results for the CEO of cringe, John Trulli.
Google results showing John as the CEO of Cringe

JT CEOOC: Being the ceo of cringe isn’t a job. Its more of a state of mind. Lots of people are worried about how they are perceived online. If you give up completely on being cool, and let the cringe seep out, everyone would feel a little more comfortable sharing ideas online.


Interviewer: Have you ever posted cringe and deleted it in the past before you became the CEO of cringe?

JT CEOOC: I became the ceo of cringe once I realized that nothing I was posting was actually funny at all. Most of the comments I got were like “delet this” and “John stop”. My family was getting worried and my old coworkers were slowly dropping off the friends list.

Also, yes I have deleted cringe in my history of going online. Most of the time this happened I was under the influence of cannabis. I’d post stuff and wonder if it made any sense at all, have a mild panic attack and delete it. Maybe it was my best work and maybe it was garbage, it was impossible to know under those conditions.


Interviewer: Has there ever been a meme you regret creating? What is the most cringe thing you have ever seen online?

JT CEOOC: I regret creating any meme at all. At this age I could have learned a useful skill or anything at all, but somehow it’s more important to me to try and make a dozen strangers chuckle online. Maybe it’s becusse I’m a Leo and need attention or zuckerberg got me addicted to chasing notifications as a replacement for human contact. The most cringe thing I have seen online changes every day. Every day I am utterly surprised at the cringe I encounter. It’s everywhere, it’s growing exponentially, and it has taken over the world. Young people think Facebook is cringe and old people think TikTok is cringe, but in reality we are all participating.

A meme about someone being on the phone with the CEO of cringe.
A meme about a kid who looks sort of like a frat boy being on the phone with the CEO of Cringe.

Interviewer: I totally feel that.. There’s definitely a deeper philosophy at work here. How do you think cringe and memes in general will evolve over the next 5-10 years?

JT CEOOC: My opinions are always evolving, but sometimes I come across the thought that Facebook and Instagram are antiquated and boring. I personally enjoy what I see on TikTok at the moment. The next generation is very creative and talented. There’s children learning how to edit videos and that have better taste in music than I do. I’m not sure how long TikTok will last but I think the whole static image thing will start to get boring as we die off. People want to hear distorted bass over a video of someone dipping their balls in soy sauce. As the new generations become more online and crave the surreal, anything is possible. Just have to see what platforms the Illuminati provide us to express ourselves while we become isolated and insane.


Interviewer: Hell yeah, that makes the future sound exciting. What is your favorite kind of burrito, and what do you think the acronym CEO actually stands for?

JT CEOOC: My favorite kind of burrito is usually whatever is closest to me. I get as many ingredients as possible and try to eat one or two a day. I don’t know how I’d live without that meal. I’ve never really thought about what CEO stands for. Maybe cringe exists online. I’ve tried to look it up but nobody actually knows and that’s why it’s such a cool title to use.

Interviewer: And for the final question, has having so much clout ever gotten to you and have you had to take steps to rectify it? It must be wild growing so quickly as an individual in such a rapidly growing scene.

JT CEOOC: I’ve heard stories of people suffering from clout poisoning. I think it’s impossible to be extremely online and not have it affect you in some way. I’m not sure what it does to me aside from help me pass the time without learning anything real. I meet lots of ppl and learn stuff so that’s my excuse for not giving up. I like to be surrounded by people I think are funny and creative, even if it’s mostly in iMessage. But it led me to a new state and an office with other people that are quite similar to me that I would have never met.

Interviewer: Hell yeah that’s inspiring. Your memes def inspired me to start my own meme pages and it brings constant laughter and joy. Thanks for talking with us!


Make sure to follow @cabbagecatmemes and @john_trulli on Instagram for a never-ending stream of deeply satisfying, cringe-worthy content!

She Was Found Alone, Cold, And Hungry With Only A Coin-purse Filled With Teardrops. Heartbreaking…

No family. No friends. Her children would not speak to her anymore. She was cold and terrified, even the slightest sound within earshot would send her into nervous twitches. Her heart was dried up, shriveled and depleted, due to the constant outpouring of unrequited love and compassion she shared for those previously in her life.

Heart wrenching.

We found her drinking her teardrops from the leather satchel

We managed to track down her daughter, who wished to be referred to as “K”, and asked her why she no longer spoke to her mother.

“I do not wish to speak with her because she is an old hag. She is harrowed and barren. Her fortunes are no longer within my grasp. They have vanished like my love for her. I will not seek her out nor will I offer pieties to her. I have taken her gems and jewels and left her with her fabled coin-purse. I am a naughty greedy little leech and she is a haggard wench”…

“K” speaking about her estranged relationship with her mother
Her coin-purse, leather moistened from the collected teardrops.

Surely there must be somebody who cares for this woman. Her petulant children wish to have nothing to do with her. They simply do not respect their elders, the greedy brats they are. When we found her alone upon the walkway under the tattered orange awning of the fish market promenade we were taken aback by the teardrops she had collected. We asked if she had a friend to confide in and she replied “just one”.

Just one friend. Terrible.

We found her friend, another woman who collected teardrops in return for catfish bones. She was spotted trading her catfish bone broth for plastic sandals to protect her brittle feet. We asked her about the coin-purse teardrop woman:

“May the code replicate eternal”

The catfish bone woman
Her only friend…

It is a sad day when we must sit aside as querulous children disrespect the wise old members of society. We hope that by looking into this sullen woman’s history and way of life brought clarity upon the inequities some elderly people experience. Our hearts go out to everyone involved.

We Interviewed The People Making Memes About Corn

Perhaps you have heard of the notorious meme pages on Facebook known as “Corn is the best crop & wheat is the worst” or “Corn” – even better, perhaps you follow them. We interviewed some of the admins of these highly niche content pages and were surprised at what we found.

A meme about receiving a text message from Corn.
A hilarious meme about receiving a text message from Corn.

Interviewer: What are your DM’s like?

One of the anonymous admins responded: “They are literally insane, for some reason Corn makes people extremely horny. The inbox is constantly full of horny Corn posters. One time someone sent us an image of a corn on the cob in their vagina.”

Interviewer: Why do you think people go so crazy about Corn?

Admin: I think people like being on the inside of an inside joke. That’s how I view the Corn pages as one big inside joke.

Interviewer: Huge swag.

Admin: There’s a group called a group where we angry react corn which was originally formed from an inside joke of a group where we angry react Ricky. I was very active in under the veil of corn. They loved it for a while but the corn group has 20k now all pretending to know the joke.

Interviewer: What are your favorite kind of corn memes?

Admin: My favorite corn memes are memes I change about eating pussy to eating corn.

Interviewer: Why do you think there are pages about Corn with thousands of followers as opposed to any of the other vegetables?

Admin: I’ve seen other vegetables and even have a page my friend Josh and I made called mango the fruit and it got no traction. I think it’s just slightly off the wall. Kinda like forklift memes, It makes you think ‘wtf.’ I’ve meet someone in the corn page that actually got the word corn tattooed above her eyebrow.

Interviewer: How has having Corn clout benefitted you IRL?

A Tinder screenshot exchanging ideas about Corn.
Corn admin’s interacting on Tinder.

Admin: This is a screenshot from my tinder. Lmaoooo.

It's almost scientifically proven that cooking someone corn will cure their depression.
Classic meme about Corn.

Man using computer connected to Wifi with passwords.

We Asked 10 British People What Their WiFi Passwords Are: The Results Surprised Us

16 WiFi passwords is honestly a lot… researchers at Harvard have recently proven that that WiFi passwords say more about you than many of the other things psychologists use to assess personalities, so this insight really gives us a really good look into an often overlooked culture.

  1. DieAntwoordisAwesome
  2. rapmusicisawesome
  3. iloveclimbingthetable
  4. smallshotsofliquor35
  5. AccentsAreAwesome
  6. F***Vice
  7. WheresThe)Parrty
  8. F***GreatBRitaininTheAss
  9. SmokeHeadiesOnline