Militarized Police Leads To Homeless Police, Study Reveals

PALO ALTO, CA — Sure, all cops are bastards, but they could soon all be homeless bastards. According to a recent study conducted by my own eyeballs, it appears that the more we militarize the police, the likelier the chance of them becoming homeless.

“The chances go up about 100%,” says a different person with eyeballs I asked. They conducted their study the same as me: by just driving around different cities in America and seeing how many homeless people are also Veterans. “They’re literally everywhere. Hell, if we militarized the Boy Scouts, they’d probably end up homeless too. It doesn’t really matter who it is; everyone who is militarized ends up on the streets,” they concluded in affirmation.

As a Veteran myself, I have to say, I hope the study is correct. It sure would be nice to be driving and see a sign that says “Homeless Cop” instead of “Homeless Vet” for a change. If you really “support the troops,” you probably agree: Homeless Vet bad. Homeless Cop good.

Defund the police? Not if we wanna solve the problem long-term. Honestly, if you’re a protestor, maybe the smartest thing to do is to just try and outlast the cops, like that episode of The Simpsons when Homer is a boxer and just lets everyone punch him until they’re too tired.

For now, it’s just a waiting game. So hang in there, wear your masks, and remember: at least you have experience being poor. Imagine being new to it.

Yankee Candle Company Endorses Joe Biden With Candle That Smells Like Young Women’s Hair

Lady Hair, a scent by Yankee Candle.

Trump may have KFC, Chick-Fil-A, Home Depot, Goya, and every Love’s truck stop across the United States of America, but Joe Biden gets a big win with Yankee Candle Co.

“I think it’s a match made in coleslaw,” Joe Biden said Sunday morning. No one had any idea what he meant by that, but we think he’s saying it’s a good thing. “I’m just glad others can finally smell what I’ve been enjoying all these years,” said the old pervert. At least that sentence was coherent.

Anyway, we expect this race to get weirder and creepier, so let’s see who gets the Spencer’s Gifts endorsement over the next few weeks. My guess is Libertarian candidate Jo Jorgenson.