Single Cop with No Children Settles for Beating Meat

NEW YORK — Sergeant John DeGregorio, 39, of NYPD’s 68th precinct in Brooklyn returned home to an empty apartment Friday evening after a family court judge ruled in favor of his ex-wife, Gloria DeGregorio, awarding her sole custody of their two teenage sons.

“I’ve been a cop for 15 years, ever since we had our first boy. It’s always been pretty stressful, but Gloria was always there waiting for me when I got home,” noted DeGregorio. “When she finally escaped, I had to sit my boys down and let them know they were gonna have to step up. Now that they’re gone too, it’s like I don’t even know what to do with my hands.”

DeGregorio’s partner, Sergeant Lori O’Hare, 43, said the aftermath of the divorce included at least one instance of DeGregorio bringing his home to work with him.

“The motherfucker actually took a swing at me,” O’Hare recounted. “Partners for 13 years and he’s never so much as let out a fart upwind, but as soon as that broad is outta the picture, he tries to take it out on me. As if I don’t have enough problems with CPS up my ass, I gotta show up to a hostile work environment too? Fuck that shit. With two perfectly resilient young boys at home, there was just no excuse for that kinda behavior.”

Following Monday’s unfavorable custody ruling, DeGregorio’s general practitioner Dr. Damien Ju expressed concern over the NYPD hero’s chosen method of alternative stress relief.

“I’ve seen it at least a hundred times before. Cop loses his wife and kids, stress builds up, and not a week later the penis starts to look like something out of a Chernobyl snuff film,” said Dr. Ju. “Of course, I always recommend investing in a silicone-based lubricant, and they always respond that they’re not a fucking [homophobic slur].”

In response to an inquiry about Sgt. DeGregorio’s fitness for duty, a spokesperson for the NYPD told members of the press that no formal complaints have ever been filed against DeGregorio for misconduct, assuring us that the 68th precinct’s paper shredder is properly maintained and fully functional.

By John Merrifield

Twitter: @jbmerrifield

Christ Returns in Full Riot Gear

WASHINGTON — It appears the Lord and Savior of white American Christian men all over the world made his triumphant return Monday evening at Pennsylvania Ave., and boy did he come correct. Mr. H. Christ himself even took a moment to address the crowd of protestors gathered on the Mall, fielding questions about his timing and choice of attire, as well as shamelessly promoting his book.

“Well, if you read Matthew, I think it was in chapter 7 where I’m like ‘Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that they should do to you, do ye even so to them’ or some shit like that. Not gonna lie, I was pretty baked at the time,” Christ spoke thusly. “Anyhow, it looks to me like the people guarding this fortress behind me intend to do so with force. So, based on what I think I said back in the gap, let’s just say I’m ready to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s,” he concluded to thunderous applause. He then attempted a stage dive, only to land on his feet like a cat, lightly dancing on the heads of protestors on the way to the Reflecting Pool where he demonstrated one of his greatest hits.

Self-proclaimed ANTIFA Comrade-in-Chief addresses protestors on the Mall in D.C.

Anti-fascist protestors on the scene seemed taken aback, but also quite validated, by the overall appearance of the GOP mascot.

“As soon as we heard the trumpets, we freaked the fuck out. We thought it was another wave of ska,” one protestor told reporters. “Then all of the sudden, here comes J-Chrizzy, cruising down Pennsylvania Avenue in a beat-up Kia and combat armor.”

The President plans to hold his own press conference as soon as the bunker WiFi is back up and running. Meanwhile, QAnon message boards are already abuzz with related conspiracy theories, one of which birthed the hashtag “#WalkOnWaterGate.”

“My aunt was undercover in the crowd posing as a member of Grantifa,” said a comment by username ChemJongTrail45. “She’s pretty sure this imposter already had a pair of transparent platform shoes waiting at the pool’s edge to help create the illusion of a miracle.”

Famed U2 rocker Bono, introducing himself as the official Press Secretary of Heavenly Affairs, also took the stage to warn the crowd that the Rapture is still on the way, telling protesters and counter-protesters alike to prepare for a “Second, second coming.”

Leaked Biden Campaign Strategy Literally Just the D.E.N.N.I.S. System

An anonymous source close to the Biden campaign was rummaging through her husband’s desk for evidence of infidelity when she stumbled upon a manilla envelope labeled “Campagne Strategy.”

Never mind that Biden seems to believe “campaign” is spelled like “Champagne”, what she found inside the envelope was what could only be described as a politician’s reworking of the It’s Always Sunny episode in which the titular character lays out his detailed and premeditated predatory strategy for picking up women. Except Biden plans to use it on America.

Former Vice President Joe Biden hosts campaign reveal party in dingy Philadelphia bar.

Our source seemed suspiciously eager to hand over the folder and all of its disturbing contents, and it became a top priority to disseminate these documents to the public by way of this article.

The list that follows was compiled by Vice President Joseph Biden and does not reflect the views of this publication.

D – Demonstrate Value

Listen here, Jack. The first thing you gotta do is make them want you. And since I can’t do that, I gotta make them think they need me. All I have to do is the absolute bare minimum and it should be clear that I am the more qualified candidate in the race. Piece of cake. Next letter.

E – Engage Physically 

Now pay attention, sister. I am fully aware that around 55% of America’s voters are women, which is perfect, because I connect with women. Women see me as a protector and long to be embraced by me. I’ve also found that A Friendly Sniff ™ of the neck initiates an intense wave of passionate peacefulness and trust, as it lets them know if anything bad happens to them, Uncle Joe is mobilized and tracking their scent.

N – Nurture Dependence 

Here’s the deal, bucko. America doesn’t know what it needs. Doesn’t know what’s good for it. People wanna defund police, for Pete’s sake. I’m gonna have to constantly reinforce the idea that the people are lost sheep, and I am the shepherd come to lure them back to my home.

N – Neglect Emotionally

Now buckle up, Buster, because we ain’t there yet. My people on the inside tell me there’s a nasty pandemic on the way. This is where I’ll employ a little tough love. The world will be in a panic and looking for leadership, and America’s gonna want Papa Joe Joe to give ‘em the business. But too bad, because I’ll be completely unreachable. This way, they’ll understand they can’t get back on the highway to prosperity without a real man at the wheel.

I – Inspire Hope

Gotta hand it to my brotha Barack. That whole “hope” gimmick was nothing if not effective. After America is adequately destitute, I will resurface, and revealing my face with its soothing fatherly features should be all it takes to win them back. No reason to think I’ll have to actually do anything to help. That’s not my job. Not yet.

S – Separate Entirely

Now that voters know I’m not dead, it’s time to lay low until the election. Can’t say anything stupid if I don’t say anything at all. Best to play it safe and let Don keep shooting himself in the foot. It’s possible the media will spin it as a failure to lead in a time of crisis, but don’t get snarky, Sparky. They’re gonna thank me later.

As of the time of this publication, the Biden campaign has not returned our request for comment.