- Single Cop with No Children Settles for Beating Meat
“I’ve been a cop for 15 years, ever since we had our first boy. It’s always been pretty stressful, but Gloria was always there waiting for me when I got home,” noted DeGregorio. “When she finally escaped, I had to sit my boys down and let them know they were gonna have to step up. Now that they’re gone too, it’s like I don’t even know what to do with my hands.” - Militarized Police Leads To Homeless Police, Study Reveals
Sure, all cops are bastards, but they could soon all be homeless bastards. According to a recent study conducted by my own eyeballs, it appears that the more we militarize the police, the likelier the chance of them becoming homeless. - Man Wearing Fake Mustache to Mail Ballot Doesn’t Understand Voter Fraud
“I’m so sick of these libs thinking that mail-in-voting is safe and secure. I’m about to prove them wrong,” Vamosi whispered while walking down the street and peeking over his shoulder. - Troops Deployed to Local Chuck E. Cheese after Civil Unrest in the Ball Pit
MILKWAUKEE – Charles Entertainment Cheese, the ringleader of one of America’s beloved franchised wastelands, has incited violence in a local ballpit by displaying fascist behavior. The leader of the organization has long been an advocate for cutting corners with the business budget by not sanitizing the plastic balls and automating what could otherwise be quality … Continue reading Troops Deployed to Local Chuck E. Cheese after Civil Unrest in the Ball Pit - Christ Returns in Full Riot Gear
“As soon as we heard the trumpets, we freaked the fuck out. We thought it was another wave of ska,” one protestor told reporters. “Then all of the sudden, here comes J-Chrizzy, cruising down Pennsylvania Avenue in a beat-up Kia and combat armor.” - Yankee Candle Company Endorses Joe Biden With Candle That Smells Like Young Women’s Hair
“I think it’s a match made in coleslaw,” Joe Biden said Sunday morning. No one had any idea what he meant by that, but we think he’s saying it’s a good thing. - Joe Biden’s Leaked Birth Certificate Says He Was Born In a Retirement Home
Ever since Barack Obama got elected in 2003, citizenship conspiracy theories have been all the rage. This trend has waned a tad in recent years yet is resurging due to bored constituents trapped at home during the coronavirus. A coalition of high school Facebook hackers have recently uncovered Joe Biden’s original birth certificate (not the … Continue reading Joe Biden’s Leaked Birth Certificate Says He Was Born In a Retirement Home - Leaked Biden Campaign Strategy Literally Just the D.E.N.N.I.S. System
Here’s the deal, bucko. America doesn’t know what it needs. Doesn’t know what’s good for it. People wanna defund police, for Pete’s sake. I’m gonna have to constantly reinforce the idea that the people are lost sheep, and I am the shepherd come to lure them back to my home. - Study Shows That Anti-Maskers Lack Basic Self Awareness
As a psychological trait, consideration for others is generally seen as a sign of rudimentary self awareness. The deficit of this is indicative of a failing economy and society. Studies also show that unwavering pride for senseless things denotes a lower intelligence score. Congratulations, America is royally fucked in the ass and is the official … Continue reading Study Shows That Anti-Maskers Lack Basic Self Awareness - A Cop Is Filing a Lawsuit Against a Protester Who Threw a Penis at HimA New York City police officer claims the protester “threatened his masculinity” by throwing a small pink dildo at him.
- What to Expect After Raising Your Vibrations and Moving into the Higher Dimensions
It’s no secret that maintaining a High Vibration leads us to Higher Consciousness. Higher Consciousness is directly related towards continued Higher Vibration and Frequency allowing us to transcend the Higher Dimensions of 5D and beyond…but what can we expect from these new and foreign dimensions? Once WE are in those Higher Dimensions, WE BEgin to … Continue reading What to Expect After Raising Your Vibrations and Moving into the Higher Dimensions - Donald Trump Is So Rich He Has Eaten Fried Ballsack: and You’re Going to Tell Me That Isn’t Gay?
Rich people are often known for their adventerous palettes. For some, however, escargot just isn’t enough. So they started eating ball sacks off the French island of the Riviera’s. Donald Trump purportedly ate his first fried ball sack in June 2010 after Trump University went bankrupt… and Gordon Ramsay had a god damn hay-day. Anyways … Continue reading Donald Trump Is So Rich He Has Eaten Fried Ballsack: and You’re Going to Tell Me That Isn’t Gay? - Opinion: Joe Biden Isn’t That Bad — Haha Sike He’s Actually a Senile RapistThe headline is the entire article. Thanks for reading!
- Not My Tiger KingThough reluctant at first, I, not unlike you reading this, sought distraction from the bleak state of affairs (we’re all gonna die) by indulging in a half-dozen hours of Netflix’s true crime documentary series, Tiger King. It is non-fiction, though it perhaps could be better described as a soap opera, if it weren’t so goddamned … Continue reading Not My Tiger King
- Scientists Determine Your Bed Is 75% More Comfortable On Tuesday, November 3rd
After ongoing double-blind studies, sleep scientists at UC Berkeley are confident in their data pointing towards a spike in sleeping comfort on one particular day of the year. Gail Owens, who has been leading the team since 2007, is responsible for this breakthrough pointing towards November 3rd as being the “most comfortable morning to sleep … Continue reading Scientists Determine Your Bed Is 75% More Comfortable On Tuesday, November 3rd - Quarantining as a Pirate
i’m pirate - My Roommate Alexa Gave Me A Pirate Outfit
My roommate Alexa was cleaning out her closet. She is the hot bartender at that one east side venue. She gave me a few other things but the most important thing was this, my cool pirate outfit. I like being a pirate. I look cool and sexy. I decided to throw on “Pirates of the … Continue reading My Roommate Alexa Gave Me A Pirate Outfit - Unemployed in the Apocalypse: Why Not Trade School?
“Maybe you could work in a trade?” I can hear my mother pleading from her modest home in suburban Wisconsin. It’s 2023 and I still don’t have the credits to graduate from community college. There have been 37,500 deaths in metro Atlanta and I am a twenty-nine year old single woman with a four month … Continue reading Unemployed in the Apocalypse: Why Not Trade School? - Atlanta’s Gay Coke Bars That Also Serve Pizza
Traveling in the south can be hard, so why not harder? - Best Kansas City BBQ Spots to Text Your Ex-Fiancé
Eating alone in a BBQ hub! - the cat and the snowman v2.0 / bloomberg articleThe Internet – a conservative wasteland or world of abstract sadness? As politics and memes have increasingly started to overlap, an accelerated online dialog has been born. This birth has acted as a centrifugal force, polarizing communities and generating a superposition of ideas responsible for shaping millennial politics worldviews – be it through memes and … Continue reading the cat and the snowman v2.0 / bloomberg article
- Five Best Places to Cry on a Budget in NYC for Your Birthday
1. The Historic Brooklyn Bridge Free to visit and with an incredible view, the Brooklyn Bridge is a place for tourists and natives alike to gather and appreciate soul crushing beauty and loneliness experienced every day by the people in this city. Think about the vastness of the universe, and how insignificant you are not … Continue reading Five Best Places to Cry on a Budget in NYC for Your Birthday - The Shirtless Chad Saga
The story of the Saga of Shirtless Chad - 5 Free iPhone Wallpapers To Make People Think You’re A Designer
You’re in a coffee shop or on the bus, minding your own business and browsing your iPhone. You begin to feel that unnerving sensation of somebody’s prying eyes behind you. In a cloud of confusion, anxiety, and shame you slip your iPhone into your pocket and stare out the window. Why are you like this? … Continue reading 5 Free iPhone Wallpapers To Make People Think You’re A Designer - Drowning in Student Debt, Young Americans Turn to Selling Votes to Make Ends Meet
Everything has a price: from the ground under your feet to the words that come out of your mouth. Nowhere is this more true than on the black market. Occasionally a market will form, beneath the constant exchange of drugs and weapons, to cater to a more niche demand. Sometimes it is illegal pornography or … Continue reading Drowning in Student Debt, Young Americans Turn to Selling Votes to Make Ends Meet - An AI Generated Images Of The Average “Trump Voter”… And It Kind Of Looks Like Corn
Artificial Intelligence is everywhere in 2020; self driving cars rely on AI to make logical decisions in real-world situations, facial recognition by a police state is a heated debate in the media, and now AI is able to assess voter demographics based on physical appearance. While the diverse population of the United States nearly reaches … Continue reading An AI Generated Images Of The Average “Trump Voter”… And It Kind Of Looks Like Corn - Boomer Parody Pages Are Putting Evolutionary Pressure on Ages 55 +, Causing Rudimentary Self Awareness
Darwin is probably rolling over in his grave right about now. - Asshole Spreading Emoji Scheduled to be Released in 2020
2020: the year of the 2020 election and the year of amazing new emojis. Emoji 13.0 will include the “asshole spreading” emoji as well, however. We were quite shocked when we saw this unique emoji buried amongst many others in Emojipedia’s newest keyboard library release. Many Americans have been joking for years that the asshole … Continue reading Asshole Spreading Emoji Scheduled to be Released in 2020 - Yogurt Companies Are Using Illegal Whitening Spray
An inside look into the controversial outbreak of whitening spray. - The Return of Applebees: A Millennial’s Playground
Millennials grew up in a world full of questions. Did Bush do story time on September 11th, 2001? Did Israel really kill millions of kale plants as the most vegan country on earth? Was the moon landing really broadcast in black and white when the government had the science to make color film widely available? … Continue reading The Return of Applebees: A Millennial’s Playground - An Interview With John Trulli, The CEO of Cringe, aka Cabbage Cat Memes
An interview with John Trulli, the CEO of Cringe. - This Strange Demographic Has Been Shoving Kratom Up Their Ass
A strange viral phenomenon has been making its rounds both IRL and online. - She Was Found Alone, Cold, And Hungry With Only A Coin-purse Filled With Teardrops. Heartbreaking…
No family. No friends. Her children would not speak to her anymore. She was cold and terrified, even the slightest sound within earshot would send her into nervous twitches. Her heart was dried up, shriveled and depleted, due to the constant outpouring of unrequited love and compassion she shared for those previously in her life. … Continue reading She Was Found Alone, Cold, And Hungry With Only A Coin-purse Filled With Teardrops. Heartbreaking… - Theoretical Dinosaurs I Made
There’s a lot of dinosaurs that we know so i wanted to help make new ones that may excistsedm I call it TwoOsaurus it has two neck and move with two feet but have two tail… maybe it is cool and also bad like the one is bad but the other is more happier. What … Continue reading Theoretical Dinosaurs I Made - 5 Ways To Make The Apartment Search Fun (While Saving Money)Searching for a new apartment can leave you exhausted, depressed, and broke. It seems that moving is getting harder and harder these days… until now! Thanks to this handy list you’ll be able to hunt for the perfect apartment in your city all while having fun (and saving some cash)! Bring a friend Taking a … Continue reading 5 Ways To Make The Apartment Search Fun (While Saving Money)
- This Man Got Put On The No Fly List For Emailing a Picture of a Micropenis to Kobe Bryant’s Helicopter Pilot“The Man Who Sent The Micropenis” – who was he, and what did he represent?
- Overstocked and Understaffed Library Burns Books “We Had No Other Choice”It’s a librarian’s worst nightmare: stacks of worn paperbacks disappearing forever into a crackling inferno. Their covers curl and melt as the ink runs down onto the pavement. Nearby a small heap of dust jackets escapes the blaze; these will be sent to the landfill as their plastic coating prevents a clean burn. I glimpse … Continue reading Overstocked and Understaffed Library Burns Books “We Had No Other Choice”
- Emojis Are The New Cursive And It’s Time For Boomers To Learn It
Op-ed on the dying art of the cursive language. - We Interviewed The People Making Memes About Corn
Interview with one of the admins of a Corn page. - Phone Battery Life Low? If You Have A Car, You’re In Luck…Picture this: you and your friends are driving down the freeway. You have your phone plugged in, music playlist on blast, maybe watching a YouTube video or two. Amidst the enjoyment you see that dreaded red battery icon. Don’t panic! There’s a lifehack to fix that up in no time! Following these steps may help … Continue reading Phone Battery Life Low? If You Have A Car, You’re In Luck…
- Move Over Tabby- There’s A New Cat Species In TownCrabby Tabby’s are taking the world by storm.
- We Asked 10 British People What Their WiFi Passwords Are: The Results Surprised Us
WiFi passwords say more about a person than you might have originally imagined.
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